I've come to realize in the last two days of reading people, majority of the people I have read for have been women, and they have been asking me about their love lives. Only today was I not asked about that because the woman was actually newly married, and she asked me about her budding business. It was a relief.

Then again, I suspect more questions in regards to relationships coming up soon since the holidays are coming and nobody really likes spending the holidays alone.

At least I know one thing. I will be spending new years eve dealing texas holdem at some person's new year's eve bash. I've already been asked to do the gig. And of course my answer was yes. Work is work and I am not abashed in admitting that I enjoy paying my bills and rent on time.

Then again, that also goes to show you that I'm not really in a relationship either. I haven't been in a few years. And I have a feeling that won't be the case next year. I have been right before, otherwise I wouldn't be a proper reader, now would I? :-)

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A part of me feels sleep deprived, however I know that's not the case because I did get an adequit amount of sleep yesterday.

I guess I'm just drained.

Lots of things happening recently to those around me and I don't know how to react to it. And I'm also doing new things...

I'm getting back into reading, and I'm not talking about books. This afternoon I got four requests for paid psychic readings. Some of the services that you can go on as a paid advisor takes close to 1/2 your earnings. It's really insane. And most of the questions were the same... about relationships. Girls that wanted their men back, and asking me if they would ever return. One that cut me off because she didn't like the answer.

We always hope in some way the universe is helping us achieve what we most desire, and that we know that everything we want now is the right thing and right for us for the rest of our lives, however that doesn't usually prove to be true and on many occasions that which has abandoned us to begin with might have been the greatest blessing of all. Sometimes we have to trust that whatever comes in our path is meant not only for our greater destinies, but also for our greater happiness.

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I don't know how else to explain it. Turning 30 was about the best thing that ever happened to me. Work is doing well. When I get busy, I'm extremely swamped. I've done another "six degrees" episode, did an episode of "30 rock" and took part in a verizon commercial as part of the "network". That one was funny. I've also have had a lot of gigs through Shawn. I dealt a blackjack tourney at Scores of all places. Every legal vice under the Sun under one roof. Then on top of that, two more gigs. The smallest I got from those gigs was $175 for 5 hours of work, and that night I learned how to deal three card poker. Not bad.

Another performer I know has been really nudging me lately to put together a press kit. He wants me to headline a few shows in the city, but since I don't have any new material out, it's not going to be worth my time. However that might change. I just purchased the Axiom 25 from M-Audio. Once I get the piece, I'll be finally able to compose. I could use my old program, but I'd like to go a few steps further.

In the meantime I am getting my press kit together so I can start performing again in the beginning of the year. I've already got an offer to start off a talent show up in Harlem. I'm considering it, but won't know for sure until tomorrow.

I can get into the "dating" situation in my life, however I choose not to and to be honest, I'm not looking. I just find it funny that the second I stop looking, it starts looking for me. I guess that's life for you.

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www.janifer.org

A post will follow.

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A few minutes ago I started up a new word document and started writing... Well, at least tried to start writing. Something started to flow, and so I went with it. I just let myself begin writing, but something disturbed me about the writing. This is how far I got...

"Subsequent to the horror of seeing someone’s face like that when you realize you are the one responsible, is knowing that there is nothing you can do to change it.

I was there. I saw it happen. And I know there’s no going back.

I ran a shop along East 53rd for four years. First year was rough, but bearable. We were able to make rent. Later it became easier as we started to have a regular clientele. This is what happens in New York. People get to know you, and if they like your service, they come back and they bring their friends. They brought their friends, and more friends. This was all before 9-11. Before the world went black.

I was too far uptown to know what was going down. 7AM we open, so 6 o’clock I’m there. Everything was prepping and the radio was on as always. It makes the mornings go by a little faster. George stopped by as he always does when we unlock the doors. Coffee, cream, no sugar. Then comes the woman from across the street. Coffee, half and half, three sugars and a bagel, toasted, no butter. The regulars start pouring as the trains pulls into the station every morning. I know when some of my customers are in a rush if the 8:45 train has no arrived. They like us. They know we understand.

But that day, all the trains stopped. Nobody was coming out of the station. The radio wasn’t playing music, only talking about a plane that hit the trade center. My Douglas worked there. My baby. He was only there one month working on the fifteenth floor for a small company. He was so happy he got the job telling me “Ma, in a few years you’ll never have to work again.” It was so sweet of him."

I forced myself to stop writing, and then suddenly I began to cry. I had to force myself to get off that stream because I knew it was something I did not want to touch. I lived 9-11 in New York. At the time I was working in Midtown, far from the incident, but I will never, ever forget the smell of death in the air. It smelled sweet and smokey. The thought still bothers me. A friend of mine died that day, and it still is very unsettling to me.

It's not something I want to relive.

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I was thinking about that just now. Personally I know that the fates conspire with me to get me to where I need to go. However I know I'm hard headed and the lessons they try to teach me sometimes require constant repeating.

Um, I get it now.

I'm a published poet, have gotten attention for my photography and was a paid photographer in a show (I guess that makes me a professional *shrugs*), and now I'm working in film as an actor, and even got on an international album with a rock tune with a former rock band I was in. That's all fine and well I guess, but what I find rather humorous is the fact that the things that I focus on least (not to say I do a half ass job, because I don't), is that which I get noteriety for. For instance, karaoke I started out doing for fun, then all of the sudden I find myself going to karaoke competitions, and I walk into a place and I find out that some of them know of me. WTF??? I even ended up in the New York Times because of it!

But then you have my music, which I am completely focused and serious about, which hasn't gotten as much press or publication as everything else I've done and I wonder "what the hell is going on here???"

I think in essence life is just trying to teach me to stop overly focusing on what I don't have, whether it be skill level (in production or instrumentation), patience, or whatever, and just start doing it regardless, and not be so hard on myself when I am in the process. I'll be honest with you, when I do everything else, i'm not hard on myself at all. I just do it. I think that lack of "trying to get it perfect" takes the pressure off me and allows me to create, and just let things flow the way they should.

I remember listening to a audiotape in regards to taping into that creative flow. I think I get it now. It's not necessarily birthed out of habit, but of #1. dropping the ego, and #2. don't plan it, just do it.

The Greek Goddess of War and Wisdom, Athena, used to be depicted with a statue, or a figure of a woman with her. The statue was of the goddess Nike. Nike was the Goddess of victory. Isn't it ironic that the slogan that the Nike company uses is "Just Do It"? Something to think about.

Instead of worrying about getting it wrong or perfect, toss out that script and just do it. You will never be out there until you step foot in the water.

I think it's time I taught myself how to swim.

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