I have no idea what to talk about but i never do when i start these. hm, i saw madagascar today. entertaining. saw star wars yesterday, THAT was the movie to see. i love it. i wanna watch the originals now. if i was darth vader id put some sexual devices in my suit. dont know why. dammit i have to physically fight in my head NOT writing in past tense. stupids ISM's. the army is warping my fragile little mind. only not. im readin over my old entries just crackin up. and everyone else reads them like "what is this monkey smokin?" banana crack bitches. everytime i try to stop and grab one subject to talk about my brain keeps jumpin around. i start to think about sometin someone said that pissed me off then its like "ooh cookies" then "ah whats goin on tomarrow" dammit brain shut up. i need playstation. that always balances me out. i have absolutely nothing to write about, yet im still typing.
ok talkin about mass punishment. gettin smoked for someone else doin somethin dumb. the idea is to create cohesion. aka we all ensure one another do not screw up so we all dont get in trouble. what ends up happening is the same select crazies screw the same stuff over and over and theres nothing anyone of us can do to help them. so we all get in shit anyway. and because theres nothing we can do to fix it, we are essentially fucked, and start to hate those individuals. and some people defend those individuals a little longer then the others, so they all start hating each other too and it creates huge rifts in the element, which is the opposite of the desired result of the initial action which seems to be more and more the way of the world. why is it like that dammit? why cant shit be simple; i need this i do this to obtain it. cake. but no. i need this so fuckin soupy sails and toe nails and then you're no where near what you wanted. damn lions. im a lion. i wake up. im hungry. i kill a zebra and eat it. i poop. i go to sleep. outstanding. simple. throw in that opposable thumb and its all screwed up.
and this army stuff. ill be sent somewhere to fight a fight that i may not even be sure why im fighting. or what the over all mission is, just my part. i could be doing a very good and noble task that is only so a larger evil task can be carried out. i dont want that. but its happening all over now. all countries. and its happened all thru history. so it feels natural to be here and doing my similar duty as those before me, but i get that 'brick in the wall' feeling hard and i hate it and love it. always being so different, being a brick in the wall gives me a place and a purpose. then again it makes me just like everyone else. i can be a rock like everyone else, you the rock someone gets stoned with. you follow the analogy. so whats the alternative? dont go, dont do the duty and be called a useless coward? mostly by myself. and then what? struggle to make a living with the regret of selling myself out and end up dying anyway? fuck. or i stay here and possibly get shot in the face, possibly for a cause/belief not of my own? fuck again. so like is that life? one fucked choice or another? so i will die. do i try and stretch it out and live a possibly meaningless, hide behind shit life and just die a little later and more worthless? or sign up to dive head first into iraq and get fucked up like that? theres somepart in the middle that i have to find. im not seein it though. being here alone makes me feel like part of something good, i feel part of that honor of the soldiers of yesterday. but then i dont because im not there. im not doing it. im not watching my buddies get blown to shit. and i dont want to see it. but then i cant call myself soldier like those who have seen what true shit is. so then again, which extreme do i go? t-space to infantry or stay as far away from the dookie as possible? why is every decision loaded? join or dont join? deploy or dont deploy? tell her how you feel or keep choking on your tongue? break yourself or save yourself? why dont i have these answers yet? i thought as you grew up you figured all this shit out, and i thought i did. but ooohhh no it was just gettin started. fuck. whats in korea? will i be in a chill ass buidling playing xbox? or will i be sleeping in the rain runnin the whole time? should i worry about it now or say fuck it and deal with it as i get to it? or say fuck you and run into it all motivated like taking whatever comes? i like that one better. fuck you. wherever i go and whatever i do ill figure out what i need to do and goddamn do it. its that easy. its too easy. fuck worrying. worrying is time that could be done doing. or planning. just doing wont get shit done right.

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FINALLY got the internet hooked up. now if i only had time between PT and class to get on it'd be awesome. who would have known the military would require so much time? either way here's the skinny. As of now in august i'll be sent to korea for a year. at least. i may sign up for longer but i need to find out more. and in any case, i won't know for sure where im going until im getting on the plane. love the army. so for now thats the schedule.
From what i hear korea can be great, or syphyllis-tastic. as long as i can still have high speed internet i could be in siberia for all i care. the thing is, im pretty sure the unit ill be stationed with there doesnt get sent to iraq. So if i spend a year there (at least) then a year back in the US it would be a while til i went to the sandbox. and i dunno. i still partially want to go, especially considering my MOS, but i also dont want to get shot. theres so many of us over there now and i want to go over and fight the good fight and prove my worth and earn my place here and all that. I have so much respect for the guys here who were over and back (more than once alot of them) and i think i want a piece of that too. some days im like 'damn im glad im not goin there yet' then sometimes, not so much. oh well, uncle sam will send me where he needs me and ill do what i need to do.thus is they way.
im just afraid ill be sent somewhere and not do anything meaningful. i know everything we do is meaningful in someway, but i really want to do something honorable. theres guys in iraq now doing bigger and better things and saving lives everyday. i want to go over and do my job in finding the bad guys and do the same. but i also want to be lazy and play video games all day. i guess it balances out. its funny, now when i go the weekend without running 3 miles i feel like a fat disgusting slob. but i love it. then monday morning we go run and it kicks my ass. still dont fall out. legs need to break before that happens, and still i dunno.
i love seein the people run til they puke, thats when you know you pushed yourself. outstanding. its all mental, until you get to that point. i felt like i was at that point plenty of times then just decided, oh well it doesnt hurt, and kept goin. then you stop, numb, and then it hurts like hell, and the adrenaline kicks in and youre all energy for like 20 minutes, then its class time and you feel like a zombie and everyones gettin article 15's for fallin asleep in class and they fail they're tests and get recycled and have to become infantry and then they're guaranteed to go to iraq. outstanding. Ha no worries right? im doing my shit squared away and it'll be fantastic.
class is going good but i can't talk about it. we are required by law to shred our classwork at the end of the day, i love it. i am not allowed to tell people alot of the stuff i do, even the meat and potatoes of my job im not allowed to tell anyone. how sweet is that? you're at a party, and someones like 'so what do you do?' and most people are like 'Oh! well i manually masturbate caged animals for artificial ensemination (sp?)' but not me, i have to be like 'so what do you do' ... 'im not authorized to disseminate that information' i love it. even though it sounds like a fancy way to say i sleep in a milk crate.
SO to whom it may concern, after graduation (august 4th) i MAY have the opportunity to come home, so set a side a day in that week and let me know if you want me to swing by, but like i said i wont know for sure until im stepping on the plane so updates will ensue. later,

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Return (again)

So I have a laptop now but I cant get online, but for now I can at least type my entries and get them on when I get them on. I’ve really been missing doing these entries because I don’t really know anyone here yet so I’m not my normal rambling vulgar self. I know a few people from Basic and I’m starting to get to know some people thus opening up a little more. I’ve noticed I’m not as shy as I used to be, and I can open up more quickly. I’ve always felt that just jumping into a conversation or starting one with someone you don’t know automatically makes you weird or annoying. But I’ve found that only weird annoying people make it that way. I know I’m weird but proud of it, its what separates me from everyone else and makes me an individual. Here they try to make us all standard, yet they reward individualism in the case of going above and beyond. They also appreciate a sense of humor and other qualities that separate us.

So training here seems like its gonna rock. It will be a lot of school type training then some hands on crap. I can only go so far into detail about it because of the Secret Squirrelly stuff. which is awesome enough in its own right. We’re starting to learn about terrorism. Theyre throwin so much information at us at once but its really awesome. I miss learnin stuff, especially stuff involving the world, and more so stuff I need to know to do a job. After like 2 days I feel like I know a ridiculous amount of crap. and ive always said you need to have knowledge to build an accurate opinion. so here it is;

people are retardedly crazy. holy hell. some of the things people are able to do to each other are flat out scary. movies and news stories never really do justice for some of the horrific acts that people, past and present, have done and continue to do to other human beings. Sure we have enemies, sure we have to go to war at times. So; bullet in the head, no more enemy. Even being in the Army id rather see a more diplomatic (aka peaceful) solution but unfortunately it is not feasible at times. When bin laden puts out a decree for muslims to kill all Americans, that doesn’t leave us with very many options. The more I learn about whats really goin on, the more I agree with my decision to join, the more justified it becomes to me. especially in intelligence.

Intel is the main source of this battle. Its not like the world wars where they are there, we are here, we meet in a field half way, the winner walks away. We’re way too strong now for them to do that so they’re pussy footin around and using guerrilla tactics then hiding. Which is where my job comes in. And I think im perfectly fitted for it.

Its definitely non combat and much more on the brain side. everyone says I over analyze the smallest things and that’s exactly what my job does. all the people I’ve seen and who are teaching us that do this job remind me a lot of myself. and for the first time I see ‘what I want to be when I grow up’ This has given me a whole new meaning to life, like I finally know what my mission is. So im over happy to have stumbled upon it. so in gratitude for the opportunity I have to do my absolute best at it. these classes are gonna be hard, mainly because what little homework time we have we’re doing pushups because of other idiots, but such is life. its only AIT and the rest of military life Is nothing like it so im still lookin towards the light at the end.

What I don’t understand is the people falling asleep in class. I understand we do a bunch of pt before class and run 3 or 4 miles in the morning, but im startin to agree that it’s a great way to wake up. but regardless of that, the instructors are putting out so much useful, not to mention awesome, information. I get a little amped up in class because I love learning valuable stuff. I hated school before because a) the teachers knew dick, and b) I kept thinking ‘why do I need this?’ but here its quite different. The one dude teachin class now is ridiculous. of the 30427 questions we’ve thrown at him he didn’t have an answer for like 3. Then the next class he brought in the answer because he wanted to go gain that knowledge. that’s so awesome.

it goes back to my whole struggle for power bit. I feel knowledge is power, so for people like him and I, this is our quest for power. it doesn’t hold anyone down, it doesn’t cause uprisings. one persons knowledge can be used to save lives. but it could also create a bomb powerful enough to wipe out entire cities too. kind of a double sided coin. So people like us join to put our ability to learn and our intelligence to good use to battle the naughty brain powers. need that balance folks. a chess board looks pretty silly with only black pieces.

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Some people are fighters, some people aren't. But there are also levels of each type of person. Some people love fighting and do it all the time. Usually for no reason. Some people are so against it that they won't even do what's necessary to stay alive. I always considered myself the exact median of the two. I don't like fighting but if it's needed I will. I got to prove that today with the pugil sticks.

The pugil sticks are basically those rods on American Gladiators (old school) with "soft padding" on either end. I quote soft because they're still hard as hell. They are supposed to simulate close combat holding a rifle. So everyone was matched up with an opponent and encouraged to wail on the other person. Our drill instructor said we would pugil all day until someone got knocked out. It almost happened.

If you broke the rules, instead of 1 on 1, it would become 3 on 1. That was if you hit someone in the back or while they were on the ground. Also if you ran away. Private Baron, or Care Bear as we call him, is not a fighter. And that would be fine if he didn't run his mouth about kicking everyone's ass. So he broke the rule of "not running" cause he's a sissy. Hence the name Care Bear. As he started the bout, his opponent kept driving him backwards, and by that I mean he was petrified and kept backing up. He became so scared/overcome that he started crying. All the drill sergeants agreed that was the first time they ever saw anyone cry in pugil sticks. Not even women cry. So his punishment for running away was fighting 3 people himself. As well as now ALL the drill sergeants in the company know him and steadily fuck with him. I want to feel sorry but he brought it on himself. The Army fights, we are here to learn how to kill our enemies. The Army exists solely for war. So a pacifist in the Army is highly illogical. They were then going to make him fight a gauntlet by going against all of us, one by one. I don't like him so I would have had fun.

My experience was awesome. I got to fight a guy who wanted to fight. Fortunately he was slow so I beat the mess out of him. I wailed on him, but in a reserved manner. That's because I like him, and it's hard to fully unleash on someone on your side. If I could do it again with Baron or like someone actually attacking me or a loved one it could have been a lot worse.

Days like today are making me feel more and more confident and strong. I feel more ready to go to a hostile area which is the whole idea of this training. The thing that scares me is the other people. People are trying to avoid the training, or barely crawl their way through. What's the purpose of being here then? Would you want to be operated on by a doctor who skipped his surgery classes? I sure wouldn't. As well I don't want to be put in a combat situation and rely on a team of idiots who half-ass everything. That's why the drill sergeants are so rough and I understand and agree. I see why they do what they do which is why I'm doing fine through basic. I'm real excited for the gas chamber and the marches and everything. And I will continue writing about it. Later.

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4 Feb 05

I just had a discussion with a guy in my squad who was saying he lives every day like it's his last. This doesn't make any sense. If today was your last day, would you be in basic training? 3 months ago when he signed up, he lived that day like it was his last. Who signs up for a long commitment on their last day? If today was your last day alive, you wouldn't do any of the stuff you normally do. You wouldn't shower. If you're going to die tomorrow, what does it matter how much you smell or how dirty you are? You wouldn't work out. You would only buy things you plan on using/consuming within the hour. You would want to see everybody you know. You would also want to do so much stuff you wouldn't see anyone. Most people, if they knew they would die tomorrow, chances are they would die today. If I knew that, I would do all the crazy shit I always wanted to because I'd have no inhibitions, no worry about consequence. So I'd end up dead or in jail today. If I knew I would die tomorrow, I would no doubt be in the news for something. I'd slap a bear or try to piss on the floor in the whitehouse or jump off a train or something.

So I'm talkin to this dude and he's like, "yeah man that's EXACTLY how I live", and it was pissin me off. You'd never join anything, never go to school, never do anything to start a relationship. It's impossible to live every day like it's your last. You'd live in the street, hungry because you'd have no money. You need a job for money and who would go to work the last day they were alive? So at this point there's 3 more guys agreeing with me, but this one crackhead is insisting that is how he lives. So I guess the moral of the story is don't make up dumb shit to impress anyone. And don't stay to your story when your actions are proved impossible.

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3 Feb 05

Smoking is when a drill sergeant gets all in your face and yells and makes you do a lot of PT(physical training). Generally everyone does what they can to make sure they don't get smoked. It's generally no fun. This guy today started falling asleep in class so he had a list of tasks from multiple drill sergeants. He had to crawl around the entire company (206 soldiers), hold a standing fan above his head until he all but passed out, stand inside a trashcan with his arms straight out for a while, and then gobble like a turkey at everyone who came in the door. Then we all got smoked for 15 minutes for each additional person who fell asleep. Even when you do everything right, you get smoked. If Joe fucks up, you get smoked for not helping him. When you go to help Joe, you get smoked for talking. It's great. They make it obvious to any intelligent person that you WILL get smoked. No matter what. You just get smoked more when you actually mess up. So I still don't understand when people get all upset when they get smoked. You know it's gonna happen. You knew that before you joined the army. Stop bitching. Besides, it helps you out. I've worked muscles I didn't know I had. Hold something like 10 pounds that you can hold with both hands above your head for 30 seconds, then hold it straight out in front of you, shoulder level, elbows locked for 30 seconds. Then keep doing it. See how your arms feel. After a while, squat while holding the object. God damn it hurts, but it makes you stronger, which is one of my main goals of being here. So I don't mind getting smoked. Usually. Sometimes it is just bad. I've given up once or twice, but only after 95% of the platoon quit. Most of this platoon is retarded, it seems like no one can do anything right. Infants could be trained in less time. They're not teaching us rocket science of anything. They have a basic objective, hence the term "basic training." As they're teaching this stuff, they say it, it's simple, usually common sense and we should go on. But no. We'd rather be retarded and not know how to read a map. Like I said, I don't mind getting smoked but I hate being associated with retards. I'm out.

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