it's been hectic and crazy. i'm trying to prepare for all these midterms, meet crazy deadlines and get ready for the GRE. there are simply not enough hours in the day for me to get it done. but i'm trying.

this past weekend i hung out in irvine with the vicious iv and then the next day went to sd to do some volunteer work. i.e breast cancer awareness walk. apparently i walked a total of 5 miles ish. which is the most work out i got i awhile.

monday i had a midterm but then today the prof told us that our grades were pretty much invalid since there were so many issues about the scores and what not. so now we have to take it again.. that's a bummer but i guess this time it'll be fair. and i'm glad that i'm not the only one who thought that it was ridiculously hard. =)

last night i found out that i now have a lil sis and she's super cute just like the lil bro! i'm excited but at the same time i'm scared and anxious for her...i suppose all will turn out well.

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is it so wrong that i'm into doing stuff to people..[i.e. being flaky and blowing em off] before they can do it to me? i KNOW that it is wrong only because they probably didn't deserve it in the first place and i only do it because i don't want to feel hurt like how i'd feel if that person did that to me.

i'm such a closed-hearted person. i can't seem to let anyone into my head and just be there for me. i only know how to run away from all my problems and forget about it that way. this is living life blindly.

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i hate my life...
i'm tired.

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i'm sad.
for reasons that i will not mention.
life is tossing me in so many different places.
i just want to get this over with.
i don't give a shit anymore.
some habits never die................................................................................... and they'll go on and onn til forever.
if only i oculd just stop.

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this is the final time i'm going to say it AND i'm gonna try hard to mean it. i'm going to quit smoking. i know i just smoked a cig like 30 minutes ago but after careful consideration i've decided to just quit. i mean it's not like i have a problem where i can't just stop cold turkey i mean i can. before i smoked 30 minutes ago the last time i smoked was 3 weeks ago. 3 weeks! i didn't even crave for it those whole 3 weeks. there were moments when i thought i needed it but then with a lil self control and seeing that i was at my parents house i didn't have a choice but not smoke. it's time to grow up and get it together. honestly, i have done too many dumb things to fit in, to prove a point, and to justify myself. it's time to fit in because of who i am, prove a point with silence, and not let anyone question my character.

if i continue the way i am, it's all going to catch up to me. i want to make smart choices that will benefit me in the future. here and now is not my reality anymore.

i'm not exactly saying that i'm going to completely conform to it all and be this preppy type of person. i'm still going to express myself to an extent that satifies my being. i know who i am and if i'm going to be judged by the way that i look, the things i say, or whatever i do. so be it.

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i wish i were a freshman in college all over again.
there are so many things that i would have done differently because there were times when i thought and acted irrationally and i regret a lot of things but i guess all i can do is embrace the way in which it all happened.
i would want to take back my second year and trade it in for something else. i learned a lot and messed up that much too and so that year was probably thee worst out of the four even though the 4th year hasn't happened yet. i should have just focused. maybe i shouldn't have sacrificed as much as i did then i wouldn't feel any regrets about my academics.
third year was the year where everyone was going through their ish..not that it was bad, but i guess it was very "different." third year of college was that point in life where you're still doing dumb shit and maturing to the point where you realize how stupid/foolish of me to do.. and you change dramatically because of that. like a big step in life...sounds cheesy. even though things in life were difficult/complicated i still had my head on straight...
NOW comes the fourth and last year of college. i'm excited and sad because after this year i'm not really sure of what i'm gonna do with myself. i haven't had a job before at least a stable one where i don't get fired. i just wanna live it up and enjoy life while i can. then i'll worry after i walk the line to graduate.

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