He was having a bad day today. He looked so sad and defeated that I had to give him a hug in the hallway. Then, after I left for the day, the texting (outta control!) began:

Me: Hope ur day only gets better. Cheer the fuck up!

Nick: Thank u it did, i have mood swings sry if u came in contact w the hormonal tidal wave

Me: Hey no prob. Dunno if u noticed but i have those 2 LOL. Glad everything got better 4 u

I fucking love that kid.

Tomorrow's adventure: happy hour at Baja Betty's. Mmm, margaritas. No one can be that depressed when there are cheap margs around...

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Drinking on an empty stomach = texting in Spanish. Also, apparently it increases the likelihood of me using "kid" or "kiddo" as a sign of affection. Take this text, for example:

"Toda esta bien esta vez chico. No te preocupas. Nos vemos eventualmente, quizas manana, quizas un poco despues. Buenas noches kiddo."

WTF was I thinking?

EDIT: I am unusually hungry this morning. There is nothing satisfying about consuming the vast majority of your caloric content in the form of beer.

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Got to school and was in a semi-good mood for once. Jenny came to visit me in my lab earlyish in the day. She told me Nick was talking to her and Wes and then she said she had to leave to see me, and he went, "That guy sent me four texts while I was watching a movie." Oops. I just wanted to know if he was in or out for the test kitchen thing at Jo's in Del Mar. I mean, he did say he'd call me up to confirm his presence or absence... and he never did. And by the way, it wasn't four texts: it was two.

Anyway. I proceed to degenerate into a worse mood upon hearing that, thinking he was a little irate with me. Came into our class late, plopped down next to him (the classroom was pretty full but no one was sitting near him). He said he liked my shirt. I then proceeded to apologize for over-texting him. He then apologized to me for "bailing" on Friday night; he felt really bad. I don't know how many more of these "I feel bad. No, I feel bad!" moments we can have before giving into an urge to passionately make out.

Well, that was my Nick update. He said he's looking forward to the end of next week so he could spend more time hanging out with me. Take that as you will.

I've actually got shit to do, so I'm cutting this off. Nothing else really happened today anyway.

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I'm going shopping today! Damn you clothes-that-are-too-big! I'm SO replacing you!

Even if I have to spend $300 to do so...

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Embedding disabled by request.

A song for every state of mind.

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I feel like I should apologize to all my friends that I've been burdening with my heavy load of self-confidence issues, especially with regards to how I view myself with Nick. I'm manic and I panic, and I feel like I have to talk about these things even when they don't want to hear about it. I feel some of their patience waning, and I feel myself becoming boring and repetitive because I can't get past this stuff.

No one wants to really hang out with me anymore because of it and so I'm the cause of my own isolation. In situations like that, I desperately send out feelers, but I can't help but notice that all of those feelers relate back to the topic that isolated me in the first place. This entire process makes me feel like I'm a seed trying to root itself in rock. That doesn't really work, does it?

I miss all my Pomona friends because they put up with that shit. They are my soil, my sunshine, my rain, my windbreak. I feel like I can grow strong and tall when I'm around them, but here, I feel like everyone's just waiting for me to fail, just so they don't have to hear about this anymore. Truth be told, I wish I didn't want to talk about it anymore. Fuck, I even wish sometimes that I would fucking fail with some sort of certainty just so I could move on. But I can't help it. These are new feelings, a foreign situation, and of course it had to crop up without my support system. Riding phonelines and e-mail mediated discourse just isn't the same as being able to plop down on someone's couch and spill my guts... possibly while watching something incredibly trashy like Maury. But I don't have that now. And I think I may have taken it for granted when I did.

Ugh, I hate myself right now.

So.

Fucking.

Much.

Shit, I wouldn't even date me.

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I am so fucked over and it's because I can't stop fucking thinking about him and his stupid face.

I just hope it isn't too late or else I'm out a shitload of money.

All mixed up in the wash, hot water bleeding our colors...

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My entries have been a little one-sided recently, so I thought I'd put some things up about Nick that I find undesirable.

- His hot-n-cold bullshit.

- His bad habit of biting skin around his fingernails.

- His bad habit of taking things out of my hands without asking.

- His romanticism with regards to blow.

- His mumbling voice over the phone.

- His inability to keep up the conversation--over pretty much any medium.

- His surprising ability to switch over from being sweet to being a total dick in like 1 second flat.

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