This is the third time I'm attepting this ... lemme see if I can pick the right words to actually get through the whole thing.

So ... the Stuart situation. I haven't been talking to him that much lately; maybe every few days or so. The urge to text him or contact him is a little easier to resist than it was before. And although I miss him still, I'm not as upset about the whole situation.

I talked to him this past Monday. He was back in the ER cuz he's been neglecting his ankle to the point where he could no longer walk on it. I've written a few times about how he had screwed up his ankle about 2 months ago, but never got it properly looked at it. He's paying for the neglegance now.

It turns out he's got a torn ligament and a stress fracture due to the pressure put on the injury from walking on it, running, swimming, playing hockey and whatever else he's done that requires the use of his ankle. He's going to be in a boot brace thing for the next 2 months, at the least.

He's also been dealing with some crap at home and he ended up getting kicked out. He didn't tell me why he was kicked out and I didn't ask. So now he's staying with his friend for the time being until he can get into a more decent place.

He's also had to quit his new job because you can't work in construction with an injury like his. I'm not sure if you can really work in consturction with any injuries at all. So now he has to find something that he can do that won't be jeapordized due to an injury so that he can keep paying off bills and fines and such.

I still miss talking to him, but like I said, its a little easier to deal with. My heart still skips a beat whenever I see him online or when he IMs or texts me. I guess that's a reaction I'm going to have to deal with for quite a while. At least, until I can get completely over him to the point where I only see him as just another friend to talk to.

The only bad thing about him fucking up his ankle like this {besides all the bad shit he has to deal with} that affects me in any way, is that if I can get back to Tucson in October, he'll still be there. I was really hoping that he would be in the service by then so I wouldn't have to deal with thing that I know I'll have to deal with if he's still there. With the knowledge that he's still in Tucson, I'll want to see him. But I know that I don't want to have to say goodbye again. There-in lies the conflict. Do I acknowledge that he's still there and take the risk of seeing him and dealing with the consequences afterwards? Or do I acknowledge that he's still there and not see him, wondering the whole time, what could have happened if I had?

I'm using the word "if" because I don't even know, at this point in time, if I'll even be able to get back to Tucson. I still don't have a job. I'm not sure if I'll have the money or be able to take the time off by the time October comes around. I really hope I will be able to, but its really iffy right now.

Anywho, I think I managed to get this entry written out better than I had intended on doing so. I guess third time's the charm.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

I'm still really confused about how I feel towards Stuart. I still miss him a lot and there are still a few things I can't do that don't make me immediately think of him, but it seems to be a little easier now.

I don't talk to him near as much as I used to. It hurts a little; my mind keeps wanting to think the worst. I try waiting for him to contact me, but when he doesn't my mind keeps wanting to think that he just doesn't want to talk to me. I know that hes busy, especially now that he's working, but a part of my mind keeps going to the worst assumtion.

Last night I texted him cuz I hadn't talked to him in a few days and he responded, but when he told me he was watching a movie, I asked if he wanted me to let him get back to the movie. He said yes, but that he would text me in a bit. I never got any messages afterwards ... and I was up till past 6 {I wasn't waiting on him, I was reading}

I want to text him tonight, but I'm afraid it'll push him to not want to talk to me.

Gah! I need to stop thinking about it and overanalyzing it. I need more distractions ...

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

It was only a matter of time before I could no longer fight back tears. I let some slip out last night {or very early this morning seeing as how it was around 5:30am} I couldn't hold it in any longer. I haven't talked to Stuart in two, going on three, days.

Its also hard for someone who suffers from depression, as I do, to go more than a week or two without crying at least once. Maybe if I took medication ... but I hate any kind of medication for anything. If I was dying, then I'd consider it, but I'd still hate it.

Anywho, I also gave in another way too. I texted him. Just one, simple text: "I miss you." I got no response, which triggered more tears to force themselves out. When I got up at 2 today, I checked my phone and still nothing. I couldn't cry this time because people were awake.

I'm thinking that I'll have to attempt to choke back tears again tonight too. Something tells me that I'm not going to be talking to him tonight either. It really sucks that my subconscious sees fit to keep bringing him up in my dreams. But then again, last night's dreams were completely and oddly weird. I'm not going to get into them, though, cuz that's enough for a whole nother entry on its own.

I'm going to have to fight the strong urge to text him. I'm starting the process of distancing myself from him. Its not proving to be easy.

{edit} I hate this part of me. I haven't talked to him in a few days and he hasn't shown any signs that he's been online at all. Which is odd for him; recently at least. My mind starts to think the worst. The "what ifs." I'm trying to push these things from my mind, but as each day passes and still no word from him, they grow stronger and I get more worried.

Comment! (2) | Recommend!

Quarter after six in the morning and I have managed to go the whole night without talking to Stuart. He has not texted me or IMed me at all and I have not made an attempt to text him either. Though, the thought has crossed my mind so many times that I lost count.

I'm a little upset and bothered by it, but its something I know I can't do; talk to him every single night. If I remember correctly, he's supposed to start working again either now or very soon, so maybe he actually decided to sleep. Who knows, but what I do know is that I managed it.

I wonder if he's testing my will. Testing to see if I can actually go a night without attempting to contact him. . . though I have cheated slightly by allowing myself to look at his myspace page ... hoping to maybe catch him online. But alas, he hasn't been on yet today.

I want him so badly, you have no idea. But I know that it wasn't meant to happen, otherwise it would have. This is driving me absolutely crazy. I've never felt this way about someone before. He joked the other night, saying that I was "in lust" with him. I wonder what caused him to say something like that. And so randomly too. I've been in love before, and this is nothing like that, however, I was told that the love I feel for each person is different. I doubt this is love though. Its not strong enough ... or maybe it is and I'm ignoring it.

Gah! I don't even want to think about that. Then it just seems obsessive.

*sigh* I really hope this situation works itself out. And soon. I hate not understanding why this is all happening.

Comment! (2) | Recommend!

I already know that I'm not going to talk to him tonight. Its 4am and if he wants to talk to me, he would have already contacted me {either via myspace IM or by text}

I'm not okay with it, but I'm using everything in me to keep from texting him. Its proving slightly easier than I though because I've got something to occupy my mind, temporarily at least. I have my phone with me at all times, but its not sitting right next to me like it usually is; instead I have it on the table by the couch.

I'm reading right now too, so my mind is focused on the book. I'm rereading HP6 in anticipation of receiving my copy of HP7 on Friday. So I have till then to finish reading the 6th book. I'm a fairly fast reader and when I get involved I can probably read a whole 5 or 600 page book in one night. I've never actually tried, but I'm sure I could accomplish it.

So its a little easier to ignore the urge to text him. Part of me is staying up in hopes that he might actually text me. Another part is staying up so that I can keep reading the book, even though inbetween every 3 or 4 chapters I'm stopping so that I can stretch and check some things on the net. Most of me has settled with the fact that I'm not going to be talking to him tonight; as upset as that makes me, there's not really much I can do.

I really should be going to bed soon, but I only got up about 13 hours ago {it seems that whenever I write that, its been 13 hours ... odd} so I'm not exactly tired. I know I'm not completely hopeless, but I feel that way. Whenever I think about him, I feel that I won't ever be able to get over it. I keep thinking "if only there was a way..." or "anything is possible ... its just that what I want out of this is very highly improbable."

I'm coming close to reaching the point where I'm just hoping that something good happens. I could really use the boost.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

I should probably go to bed, but I can't bring myself to do so. Not while I'm talking to him. I can't help it, though. I want to spend as much time "with" him as I can. Unfortunately, only the early hours of the morning are the only times I can really get that.

I wish that this would actually go somewhere. I guess fate has a funny way of working, though.

Oh and I think I figured out why I might like him as much as I do. He, in a lot of ways, is like the ex that I was in love with. They have a lot of things in common. Such as a criminal history, but they're both really nice people to know. Physically and sexually, he's like my ex too. I didn't even think about it until just earlier tonight when I was talking about it with a friend.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!