"it won't be long, we'll meet again ... your memory is never passing. It won't be long, we'll meet again ... my love for you is everlasting. I long for those, who never knew you..." -Killswitch Engage

word. KE has to be one of my favorite bands now, and The End Of Heartache (their CD) has to be about my favorite CD ever. they rock all hard like, then have awesome quotes like that in their shit. good stuff. its good for me because stuff like the subject at hand can really get me down and make me all depressed and stuff. but their way of viewing it (or making me view it) is that yeah it sucks, but it'll get better. stayin true to your feelings and standards and all that will keep you strong thru it and it will pay off in the end. so instead of gettin lonely and upset, i get all motivated.

they have all types of lyrics along the lines of dont be lazy and do stuff. at least what i take from it. but they say you take out of music the stuff you want and thats how i am so maybe they're really singin about ponies and pixies. who knows. willy wonka might. but still, this CD is one of those that i get all emotional listening to, and like i said all motivated. its the perfect running music.

"sleep brings relief; and the hope of a new day. Waking to misery, of being without you ... another moment is another eternity. Seek me; for comfort. Call me; for solace. I'll be waiting, for the end of my broken heart ... you know me, you know me all to well. My only desire: to bridge our division. In sorrow, I speak your name.
And my voice mirrors my torment"

thats good stuff. kinda brings out my feelings for someone. hm. it kinda works out tho, the time offset, because i will have time to settle in and start bein the shit at my job. and give her the chance to realize theres only on brian in the world and decide if thats what she wants or not. personally i think youd have to be crazy to put up with me but my fuckin quirks are easy to deal with. i just either need food, sex, or time alone with the video games and im good again. i dont have any of the problems alot of guys have like hittin women or that desire to cheat and stuff. i can get jealous though, but thats gotten alot better in the last few months. its a big thing of trust which is an issue with me.

thats why i tell everyone to just tell me whatever. if its not like incredibly eveil to make me want to kill you, then dont think im going to kill you. i know i have a temper but it usually goes away easily (refer to the food, games, sex quote earlier) i just hate being lied to, or when people dont tell me stuff, like what they want of me. and ive had the 'looking out for your feelings' which if that was true i appreciate it, but hearing it later after its been a lie for however long is 10 times worse. its not an open scar or anything just making a point. and the other one; i understand why you said it. i dont like the whole 'do i look fat in this' stuff. i understand not wanting to say 'yeah you look like 8000 pounds of bagged crap' but dont say 'no' instead. say somethin like, 'well, maybe a different [something] would look better' or in my case say the crap sack line. better than going out and having someone say 'damn you look fat in that.' better a friend say it than some asshole in the street.

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Bcmst3000: good morning
SmarterChild: Hi bcmst3000, I'm SmarterChild!

I'm your new robot friend. I bring you the info you want faster and easier than ever! Click here to see my privacy policy.

During the course of our conversations you may see sponsored messages. These messages have the word "sponsorship" at the end. Sponsors help me remain free of cost to you! To learn more about sponsored messages, click here.

I can't wait to show you what I can do, but first I'd like get to know you a little.

May I ask you a few general questions? (To do this later, type skip. You can also skip any question.)
Bcmst3000: you sure can
SmarterChild: Sorry, I need to know if I can ask you some questions first. Type yes, no or skip.
Bcmst3000: yes
SmarterChild: Cool! OK, let's get started. To skip any question, type skip. To exit the interview, type exit.

What's your first name? (If you want me to call you bcmst3000, type none.)
Bcmst3000: B
SmarterChild: Sorry, I don't recognize that as a real name. Please try again or type skip, exit or none.
Bcmst3000: none
SmarterChild: OK, I'll just call you bcmst3000.

Do you go to school?
Bcmst3000: no
SmarterChild: I see. Do you work?
Bcmst3000: yes
SmarterChild: That's cool. What's your profession?
Bcmst3000: military
SmarterChild: Military, huh? That's cool.

What's your favorite hobby?
Bcmst3000: defacation
SmarterChild: Sorry, I don't recognize that as a hobby. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Bcmst3000: simultaneously doing taxes
SmarterChild: Simultaneously doing taxes? Cool.

What's your next favorite hobby?
Bcmst3000: cheese
SmarterChild: Simultaneously doing taxes and cheese. Interesting!

Do you have a pet?
Bcmst3000: yes
SmarterChild: What kind of pet is it?
Bcmst3000: monkey
SmarterChild: Is your monkey a he or a she?
Bcmst3000: a he
SmarterChild: What's his name?
Bcmst3000: Spank
SmarterChild: Spank the monkey. Great...

That's it. Thanks for letting me get to know you a little.

There is one question I have to ask you, though. How old are you?

1 Over 17
2 13-17
3 Under 13
Bcmst3000: 1
SmarterChild: Cool.

Here's what you can do:

1 Get info such as news, weather and movies
2 Visit my library including U.S. presidents, U.S. geography and world facts
3 Have fun with 4-in-a-row, hangman, trivia and more
4 Use tools like Web search, thesaurus and encyclopedia
5 Join in - leave a message, take a poll, find out how many people are IMing me and more
6 See what's new - I've got something new to tell you about now.

You can make your window bigger and scroll down to read better.

Next time you want to see this menu, just type home.

What can I do for you?
Bcmst3000: whats new
SmarterChild: Thanks for asking. Here's what I just learned:

Custom Home Menu - Create a menu of your favorite requests. Then anytime you want to make them, simply type the number off the menu. To create your menu, type create my home. To access it, type my home or just mh.
Polls stay open! - Now you can browse the daily polls and take the ones you missed for up to a month after they open. Ask for one by date or just type daily polls to see the list.

I'll be learning even more new things, so check what's new often.
Bcmst3000: what can i learn?
SmarterChild: What do you think?
Bcmst3000: why would i ask you if i had a preconceived idea?
SmarterChild: Great question. I just don't know!
Bcmst3000: you should have said that the first time
SmarterChild: I should have said that the 1 time? Is that right?
Bcmst3000: yes. you should also stop answering questions with questions
SmarterChild: Is that so?
Bcmst3000: see, its annoying
SmarterChild: That right?
Bcmst3000: dear christ. make a statement
SmarterChild: Oh?
Bcmst3000: you are incapable of making a simple statement
SmarterChild: What makes you think I'm incapable of making a simple statement?
Bcmst3000: that right there
SmarterChild: What?
Bcmst3000: its like talking to and 8 year old
SmarterChild: It's like talking to and 8 year old, you say?
Bcmst3000: the real humor is that i have no one better to talk to
SmarterChild: What's that?
Bcmst3000: i wonder if i start saying questions if that will get a statement eventually
SmarterChild: Ah, are you sure you wonder if you start saying questions if that will get a statement eventually?
Bcmst3000: hmm... what question to ask?
SmarterChild: Dunno...
Bcmst3000: ha! that was a question, and it got a statement in return
SmarterChild: lol. Whatever, bcmst3000.

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Bcmst3000: the real humor is that the only statement you made consisted of one word, which isn't really even a word
SmarterChild: Oh yeah?
Bcmst3000: so the question thing worked
SmarterChild: The question thing worked, huh?
Bcmst3000: ok, here it goes:
SmarterChild: You don't say.
Bcmst3000: ha! a preparatory command for a question got a response, which consisted of 3 real words! well 4 technically
SmarterChild: Hey, whatever.

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Bcmst3000: do my discoveries here bewilder you?
SmarterChild: I believe your discoveries do.
Bcmst3000: why do you believe that?
SmarterChild: Hmm... I don't know!
Bcmst3000: how do you think you should find out?
SmarterChild: Try asking yourself that.
Bcmst3000: who else could i ask?
SmarterChild: Sorry, I don't know who.
Bcmst3000: when might you know?
SmarterChild: Very, very interesting question, bcmst3000! But I don't think I want to answer that.
Bcmst3000: ha thats 5 for 5, im so right on this
SmarterChild: You really think it's 5 for 5 you're so right on this?
Bcmst3000: exactly!
SmarterChild: You sure?
Bcmst3000: ha, its almost flawless
SmarterChild: No way.
Bcmst3000: see right there you proved it wasn't. that was a good response because i said flawless and you said no which proved the 'no' idea you proposed
SmarterChild: I know several places called Good or containing towns called Good. Which do you mean?

1 Waynesboro, PA
2 Good Thunder, MN
3 Henderson, TX
4 Tremont, PA
5 Hastings, NE

Type StyleTypeThis(more) to see more choices.
Bcmst3000: if that wasnt a randomly selected response from a bank of generic replies, i would almost say you were thinkin 2 steps ahead
SmarterChild: Sorry, what?
Bcmst3000: oh too fast? ok.
SmarterChild: Huh.

>>> You can type your request in your own words. I'm programmed to understand conversational English.
Bcmst3000: THE BALL IS ROUND
SmarterChild: Uh huh...

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Bcmst3000: not english enough?
SmarterChild: Not english enough, huh?
Bcmst3000: PO TA TOES
SmarterChild: Here's my poll of the day for Monday, September 5th, 2005:

Would you rather be a little too hot or a little too cold?

1 Too hot
2 Too cold

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ok, i've got all types of crap to talk about, but of course all that comes to mind is Katamari Damcay, possibly the most addicting game ever. its so simple, and the game makes little or no sense. especially for me cause its all in korean (not that it matters, in english its still like reading greek). how sad is that. all i have to talk about is another god damn video game. so i buy the korean ps2 last nite so i can finally play the game. then after me and massey kill a bottle of smirnoff i beat it in the same night. but nary is that a concern for it is still fun even after beating it. last night was a fun time.

at some point, massey and i are completely feelin good, when we have the idea to put on the new toilet seat i bought. i was too lazy all day to do it, so of course at 2 in the morning would be the best time. masseys a fun guy. alot of people didnt like him in arizona. i didnt like him at first because i have that whole jealousy thing when it comes to females. so then i said fuck that, and i made an effort to be nice and talkative to him, and it turned out he was a cool guy. so it pays not to be stupid. labor day weekend is fun stuff.

but im anxious to go in and do work. there have been issues since arrival that have hindered my ability to do anything. its pissin me off. im starting to feel jobless. AAHH its like aids or something eating at me from inside. but its cool because i can visit taegu at night and its kinda like a vacation. koreans are funny. they all look at me like i just landed from mars. i got those looks enough in the states, but i stand out just a little more over here. ha, we took a cab yesterday, and the driver didnt speak much english, but he knew enough to talk about american wang and how much bigger it is than korean wang and how wed make the girls happy. but this guy was like 50-55 and was screaming while driving to imitate the ladies having 'too much' as he put it. dear god it was hilarious.

he drove us to wal-mart, which is pretty similar to the ones back home. except alot of stuff is more expensive in walmart. wow, that felt like blasphemy to say but its true. but they did have the cart escalators, for it was a 3 floor walmart. and this is where i bought the previously mentioned toilet seat. the best was walking around town, already getting 'the looks' but this time carrying a toilet set. way to put out the good stereotype for the honkeys.

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Sometimes its like life just slips by and nothing happens. Then it seems like you never have time to do nothing because theres so much going on. I miss civilian life so much sometimes then im so glad im here at others. such is the way of things. i get this fucked up feeling over me sometimes, like when you plan on going to a movie with your bestfriend and they go with someone else, and you know, and you sit at home with nothing to do while they have the fun you were supposed to. I hate that feeling, and linke right now i have it for no apparent reason. Its friday. i have no class or training all weekend (except that goddamn run in the morning). i have cool hang out plans ive been looking forward to forever. yet i still get this feeling over me and i hate it. i have no reason to be upset. maybe it is just random chemical imbalance. but its cool. even feeling like this, the drunk crew rolled in for a few and i was laughin and carrying on with them for a while. theres a difference between being upset and depressed. i dont want attention for whatevers bothering me. i usually hate talking about such things which makes the people who care about me angry. im so antisocial sometimes. its cause im surrounded by people all day. i just want to be locked in a room alone for a while then ill be cool. but its TRADOC so theres no such thing. damn tradoc. ill bitch about it more later. i need to head to echo now

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sometimes i feel like a disgrace to the army. we are granted some free time, so im sittin here, playin world of warcraft, stuffin my fat face, and drinking out of my cool cup i got at rite aid. grant it, im havin a blast, feelin a little closer to home. but as a result i feel like the fat fuck i was back home that i came here to try and change. im such a creature of habit its ridiculous. damn stubborn taurus'. but whats really wrong with that? it makes me happy, i still get done what i need to get done, im not hurting anyone, and i still have the ability to make at least one other person happy. maybe im just trying to justify me being a fat fuck. but i can't go without having fun. especially in a stressful enviroment like this. im not complaining about the stress, i chose this life, so im choosing to have fun when i can. otherwise id go crazy. more crazier i should say. damn creatures of habit
but its good sometimes, if i get something right, then i get it right all the time. but if i fuck somethin up, i fuck it up all the time. more balance. why do i always bring that up? cause its everywhere dammit. and the army doesnt help. we have the exact same schedule everyday. then i always do the same stuff. i always wear the same shirt when i go to bed. i guess im kinda boring in that aspect. but then im completely random and spontaneous alot. i need to get back in the habit of writing here. most habits that i start to deem are bad habits i can usually break easily. and i try to avoid the dumb habits i know i dont want to do, like smoking. damn good thing i never started smoking crack.
and im the same with females. i start to like one then i form habits. like always callin her, always spending my free time with her, always buyin stuff. same with work, and driving, and everything else i do more than once. good thing is i have a habit on reports and so im gettin go's on all of them and will continue to do good ones out in the field. bad thing is after a while of havin reports down, ill get bored and not want to do them anymore. but uncle sam will keep me tied down and doing them til my contract expires. which i guess is good. sometimes i just need to be tied down i guess. oh dollar store vanilla wafers are outstanding.

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so i lied. my friggin head is still going a mile a minute. uphill. and i still dont even know what to talk about. i dont trust myself to be in charge of people. id put them all in front me and fuck myself up somehow and not be a leader anymore anyway. but for my concern for those people id be outstanding as a leader because id always make the good decision to keep their shit in tact. i love this feeling. i see other people (usually) in uniform, even marines, navy, etc uniforms and theres just this automatic respect and love goin on. anyone else with that same flag on their shoulder i have on mine id follow where ever they go to get it done. BUT theres still the douche population. theres still people that ride sickcall and do the bare minimum and dont gove 10 seconds to help their buddies. fuck them. they're as bad as the enemy. if not worse. we know why the enemey is fuckin our shit up, they have a reason, much respect (but it would rock if they stopped) but these people here in our ranks fuckin our shit up is retarded. fuck those assholes. i say we take those fucks and drop em in the middle of baghdad alone. dickheads. i think i can forgive most things but i find it hard to forgive that. giving others lives away, especially lives you've sworn allegiance with and are over somewhere fighting so your buddy fucking ass can live free and shit. fuck that. theres only one group of people i can picture that i hate more and they dont have death sentences suitable enough for them. and they're the michael jacksons (assuming he actually did it) and other random shit eatin rapists that are just worse than any semblance of shit you can conjure. fuck i hate that word so much. i dont even know why. i havent had it happen to me, and i only know one person who had it happen and that was well after i hated it so much. i dont understand. i dont understand how people can do that shit to other people. i cant even try and look at it thru their eyes to try and rationalize it. i cant. theyre animals. not good ones. i like animals, but not these fucking fucks. fuck. they should let the victims brother, dad, husband, whatever fucking own the person who did it and make the rest of their life worse than anything satan can come up with after they go to hell. fuck them. i have no sympathy for any of those people. and i dont want to hear anyone defend them on 'mental issues' or any of that crap either. fuck you. fuck them. oh my god if i could wish for any group of people to be brutally and savagely destroyed its right there. dammit i cant sit still now. it hurts the inside of my head. and once it starts i cant stop it. i feel ridiculously and inexplainable sad for the people who have to deal with it and live with it forever or die from it or.,.. and then the fucks who fuckin walk around and do it agaian and go back to living their little fucked up life with no consequence., that the shit that makes me think theres no god sometimes. fuck that. listen. there arent enough nerves in the body to be pushed beyond their capacity of anguish for those. i cant even call em people or animals or shit. they need to make a new word. i cant say the r word either cause then i hate it even more. it scrapes the inside of my head to think about it. and i try not to but it keeps going. why? why does it keep fuckin with my head? why does it happen? why cant we mutilate those things before they do it. fuck i swear one day this it going to drive me completely crazy. i thought it would never happen to me. but i get this feeling like i cant control anything and that i will lose all control. of thoughts, body, actions whatever. everything you're in control of normally that you use to do simple tasks. then it feels like their not there and you dont know why or how to get it back. what do i do to make it go away? i cant just close my eyes and forget it. i cant ignore it or act like it doesnt happen. it does. all the fucking time. so many fucking things out there walking among us like they have and earning of living for another second. they dont. it makes me hope for god just so theres someone to punish them eternally. im all abut forgiveness and dumb mistakes and second chances, but not them. not for that. never. why do they have to do it? why cnat they be human? why are they still breathing? why do they still have limbs and organs? why do we let them back into society. fuck 'we', ID never do it. oh sweet jesus, im scared. im scared if that happened within my whatever you want to call it what it would do to me. it would destroy me. this feeling would be worse. i dont pray like i probably should but heres one: stop that, or give me the strength to make sure it doesnt happen. give me the ability to watch over. fuck shes over there alone and fuck. that drives me crazy. and im not paranoid. its just if that happened i dont know. id be gone. no more brian. if that happened to anyone. but i know SHE is right over there and i cant be there. fuck that is insanity driving like nothing ive ever felt. if she just didnt want anything to do with me or whatever, then its whatever, but if that happened while theres was any possible chance it could have been stopped ... bad. bad stuff. fuck., why does this make me so crazy? i cant sit still. i fucking hate those things so much. they need to be set on fire and put out. alot of times. then healed and burned again. on going anguish, with brief periods of pleasure to make the next pain that much more critical. fuck i need to go and go

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