Remember my grandma who passed away recently?
Her sister is now in the hospital
Same one that my grandma was in
I call her "Third Second-Mother"
=P Literal translation
Aka
"third eldest child and older sister of my grandmother"
Boy, Chinese relations are complicated.

Anyway
True to form
Just like she did last time
My mother is making a big fuss
And is against my going to the hospital
This time she isn't allowing me to go at all.

They tell me
No one knows what will happen
Today or tomorrow
Meaning she may die.

I want to visit her.
Unlike my grandmother,
I haven't seen this grand-aunt in years.

I don't want my last visit to be at the hospital.

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To read both:
The Tragical History of Doctor Faustus
The Crimes of Sheila McGough
by next week

Today is Saturday
(already???)
Thus, I have tonight
tomorrow
and the day after.
Grrrreat!

Ah, well
only Dr. Faustus
it is.

hungry...but it's 10:30pm. maybe some toast...

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And that's it.

Well, that and I miss HK. =(

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It's 15 hours non-stop
and the last 8 is kinda like squealing wheels against a brick wall.
Why?
Because you have to decide
whether to get a headstart on fixing jetlag
or throw caution to the wind
and watch all the movies/TV shows/comedies/dramas you want.

*interruption*
effin byotch
she's effin crazy.
*end of interruption*

The more important question:

What do you all know about
the hostage incident in Manila, Philippines
involving 21 tourists from Hong Kong?

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My grandmother passed away seven days after my last entry.

Things haven't changed much. =)
But I had a few family days with my dad's side of the family!
(I don't do that very often)
And I learned some things about my family/grandmother.

Incredibly, my mom made negative fuss about it.
(Meeting dad's side of the fam)
(Not that I'm much surprised that she did)
Even when my grandma was dying,
my mom told me not to go so often,
that it was the thought that counted,
that I needn't go because my grandmother couldn't see me.
Then afterwards, we had a visit up to her grave
a few days after the burial
and my ma still made a little fuss,
saying I didn't have to go
that it didn't matter
because I was a female grandchild.

Eh.

Anyway, good news!

I'M GOING ON A PLANE TOMORROW
FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN LIKE, SIX YEARS =D
I'M GOING TO HONG KONG
WHICH WAS MY LAST PLANE RIDE, TOO

HURRAH
HUZZAH
FOR VACATION!!!

Yes, my internship is over.
It ended yesterday. =(

Comment!!! Let me know ya'll are aliiiiive!

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My father's family agreed and indeed signed the "Do Not Resucitate" papers.

And they're going to get ComfortCare soon.
Which means taking her off all the meds (blood pressure & heart beat regulators, etc.)
The ventilator will still be there,
but she will be mostly on her own
and she'll live out the rest of her...time
by her own...ability, her own body
until she...

passes on her own.

Today was the first day of dance,
but I didn't go.

Ah!
In other news,
I finished:
Iljimae
You're Beautiful
(A.N. Jell! Jang Geun Suk! Park Shin Hye! Cutie Jeremy, aka Lee Hong Ki!)
And now I'm on to:
Beethoven Virus
(Jang Geun Suk! Kim Myung Min!)
Next:
White Tower
(Lee Sun Gyun! Kum Myung Min!)

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I'm fighting, fighting so hard.

Why, why do I have to choose?
China, Asia
America
I do not belong to neither
But I am not myself without them either.

American born
I say
No way
They say.

Asian blood
I feel
100% not
They say.

Kristeva was right.
Abject
Neither subject nor object
On the border
With no choice before me
Only the hopelessness
Of reality.

I know
Time is a healer
One that builds a mountain
Of experience
Which narrows the border line.

But when will that line disappear?
Will it?
How long until then?

I do not fit here.
I do not fit there.
I do not fit anywhere.

I can rhyme no longer.
Seuss help me.

*yawn*

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So my grandmother is in the hospital. My dad's mother.

She was never all that healthy. She stayed indoors mostly, watching Chinese dramas day in and day out. Her memory slowly started to go. Her hearing got worse. She was still very happy and...a normal grandmother.

Now she's unconscious in a hospital bed with a tube down her throat and needles everywhere hooked up to various machines. My aunt told me today that most likely...she won't wake up.

I'll never hear her voice again. Never see her smile again. Never hear her laugh or call me "little daughter".

But one thing I don't need to feel guilty about: Even though I was not very close to her, I did make an effort to visit her on my own. Unfortunately, I only started to do that recently in the last year or half year or so. The total visits can probably be counted on one hand, maybe two. But I made an effort. And I came to see her. I think I visited her last month. I'm happy about that. My last memory wasn't a bad one. I try not to end visits or even day-to-day meet-n-greets poorly, because you never know if it is the last. I was always subconsciously afraid that I'd leave my loved ones, or vice versa, on a bad note and have guilt like we see on TV. I'm glad I don't have that.

So the diagnosis as of today--and by the way, the real doctors aren't even here bc it's a holiday so it's mostly been interns. >.> Can you believe that? They'll be back tomorrow for a full reexamination, but my aunts had me come in (I stayed the whole day) just in case she couldn't wait that long--is that she had a mini-stroke and then a heart attack. Her kidney(s) is(are) failing bc of an infection. Yesterday she was breathing by 75% ventilator, 25% her own power. Today it's 100% ventilator. So my aunt says--and I agree--it's better that she doesn't wake up bc she'd be disoriented and fighting the tube/machine that was breathing for her. No one wants to spend the rest of their days with a tube down their throat, unable to speak, and stuck in a stupid hospital room with needles and machines everywhere. Definitely not my grandmother. She pulled everything out several times when she first came in. Got the nurse so angry. *laughs* But that was before her stroke/heart-attack.

Yeah, she came in for something else and luckily, was still in the hospital when it happened. Same day she was supposed to leave. If she had gone home that day...my other aunt says she probably really would be gone now.

The only question now is...when.

Any suggestions for good songs to listen to? No preachy stuff about how good life is, please. Just good songs that you like and maybe might fit. I don't know. At this point I'm up for anything. Good music in general. Preferably not about death. Sorry, randomjunk. XD LMAO. I don't need to run now, do I? *runs*

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