See, I generally dislike humans because they're just so fucking stupid, but some people are even beyond belief. I've realized recently that all these people I thought were previously amazing are actually, to put it nicely, the exact opposite. Let's start off with Michael, shall we? Even after I broke up with him, I was waiting intently for him to pull some amazing shit out of his ass that would make me willing to forget the shit he did. He did nothing of the sort. Actually, he did nothing at all except follow me around campus during school and get pissy when I didn't jump right back into his arms.

Anyways, every time I brought up the fact that he didn't give a shit about losing me, he predictively disagreed. Even yesterday, when in school I brought it up, he said, "I still just don't know how to show it." You know, claiming he loves me and misses me and whatnot, only trying to justify acting like he doesn't give a fuck. Er...?

Then, today, I come home and have a random message on Myspace telling me that Michael is asking around for hookups. Yeah, he totally misses me, that's why he's trying to find random chicks to slobber on. The reason this is bothering me so damned much is, if he is over me and doesn't give a shit like is so obviously true, why does he keep lying to my face about it? What the fuck is he gaining from telling me that he still wants to date me when he's trying so desperately to find a hookup? If he's getting a kick out of pissing me off, it certainly is working. I just don't know how I actually thought he was so amazing for 7 months.

It took him way less than a month to completely get over me, but in 7 months he didn't realize that I'm actually much more understanding when he DOESN'T lie to me. And you wouldn't think he would need to realize this at all... you'd think it's common sense.

Ech. I feel bad for the next bloke to fall for his tricks.

Anyways, Tuesday after school didn't go quite the way the entry on Monday predicted it would. Kyle didn't kiss me. Actually, we didn't even really talk to each other. Danny kept pressuring him to kiss me, which just pissed him off and made him not want to do it (because he actually has a mind of his own, unlike Michael who cheated on me a good portion because he was getting pressured into doing so), which then made Danny think he got full dibs, so I spent a good portion of the time voiding him off. Anyways, I ended up getting pretty annoyed at the entire situation and Kyle noticed, so after we all left he was apologizing and all that, which I laughed at because he was apologizing for doing absolutely nothing wrong, instead of trying to justify himself when doing something wrong. That's a huge change in what I'm used to.

So, everything changed after that. Instead of us paying attention to pretty much everyone but each other, we paid attention to nobody but each other. We messed around, which mainly consisted of him tickling the fuck out of me and me trying to beat the shit out of him for tickling the fuck out of me, and fought for the couch, which ended up in my laying on him. Then we were on the computer reading Cynaide & Happiness comics and fucking with anyone who IMed Danny for like an hour, me sitting on his lap and him sitting on the computer chair. He had to leave by 3:30, and at like 3:40 he realized he had to go (at 3:27 I realized he had to go... but I purposefully neglected sharing that tidbit with him..). So I walked with him to the elementary school where his mom works, where we proceeded to milking the moment down to every possible second before we had to go our separate ways.

That we did, still kissless, because he's adorably shy. The next day, Thursday, last day of school, we were going to be together literally all day except for an hour or so while he took his 7th period exam because we both waived our 6th period exams and we were going to Danny's then the mall, until 9-10ish.

At first we were laying together on Danny's couch (which was the end result from yet another fight for it), then Danny blasted some metal so we (which included Kyle, Danny, Alex, Matt, Joey, and myself) all started dancing, violently. In other words, headbanging, pretty much. Minutes later Kyle disappeared to Danny's room with a headache (headbanging + hunger), so after a couple minutes I went up there and laid next to him. At first we were just talking and joking around, then he pulled me to him, and we were laying there, and I felt the kiss coming. I seriously felt it! But then, wouldn't you know it, Danny, Alex, and Joey came running in and jumped on top of me and Kyle, then proceeded to raping me seeing as I was between them and Kyle. Man. I wanted to kill them.

Then we had to leave because our ride showed up. Joey sat in the front, Matt, Alex, and Danny sat in the back, and Kyle and I sat in the back back. Matt originally called dibs to sit in the back with me, but Kyle forced him back. I giggled on the inside. So we messed around in the car, then chilled and fucked around the whole night at the mall. Speaking of which, I saw a bunch of my friends, namely Casey and Tony, there too. Pretty rad.

Eventually we went to Gameworks because Kyle and Danny are addicted to a driving game in there. Whenever Kyle wasn't playing, he would come up behind me and hug me, or I'd turn to him, or something, but either way we'd end up being in each other's arms. It was amazing.

Basically, the entire day, we were being all over each other. He even kept pulling up my shirt jokingly, kept groping me; we were 100% comfortable with each other and all that, so I was so sure that kiss was going to happen. Then he had to go, and we were hugged. The most amazing hug ever. It just... fit. I don't know how else to explain it. Then I pulled slightly apart and looked up at him -- perfect kiss set up -- but for some reason he just gave me this look that kinda seemed like he was saying sorry, and pulled me into another hug. Then he left.

I think he wanted to kiss me, but I think he wants to wait until he comes back from Colorado. For him to kiss me would pretty much be saying that we're each other's officially, you know? And he knows that Danny likes me and he knows Phillip does too, so I think he wants me to be able to do whatever I want without worrying about him. I know it's not because he wants to fool around with whoever he wants, because, first of all, he's super shy and would never do that, and second of all, he's going up there for his dad, so he's pretty much going to be home playing guitar everyday he's up there.

Damn. With every second he's proving himself to be more amazing. Oh, and it kinda seems like life is purposefully highlighting the shit Michael did wrong that Kyle would never do. For example, I finally broke up with Michael because he ditched me for drugs when I needed him the most. In Gameworks yesterday, I was waiting with Kyle as he waited for the driving game to free up, and my stomach started killing me and I half-collapsed to the floor in a coughing fit. It was very short, and I was fine within a couple of minutes, but he still gave up his opportunity to play the game even though he had been waiting forever for it to make sure I was okay. Even though I was fine by the time it freed up. I was still like, wow, ironic.

So, tomorrow I'm going to Muvico with some friends and Kyle might be coming. If he doesn't, then we're going to try to see each other on Sunday. He's leaving for Colorado on Monday, then I'm left marking off the days until he comes back.

Why do I feel like this is going to be an amazing summer? Finally, maybe something good is actually going to happen for a change. I'm done with lying and sneaking around, I'm done with setting myself up for getting grounded and shit. I'm actually going to start taking control of my life.

Funny how finally feeling good enough for someone has changed me. I'm quitting smoking too, because he doesn't do drugs. How I admire that, even though he hangs out with the biggest drugfucked kids ever, he never got roped in. He's so strong-minded, and he does what HE wants to do, that's it. I can't help but admire that in him.

So, we talked tonight on AIM, and this happened:

Kyle: psh the first thing she said wen she talked to me last night was "so was that ur new gf?"
Me: who, your mom?
Kyle: ya
Kyle: lol
Kyle: it was really random
Me: whatd you tell her?
Kyle: not yet
Me: i'm so glad you cant see my face right now
Kyle: y?
Me: youd make fun of me xp
Kyle: lol y?
Me: cos, you always make fun of me when i break into giggle fits & try to hide in my hands. x]
Kyle: lmfao
Kyle: u look like a squirrel with a nut
Me: ROFLwtf.

Anyways, I could go on about him forever, but this entry is already hella long enough. So I'm out. Tah.

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This weekend was certainly very crazy. Mainly yesterday and today. Yesterday a bunch of people came over my house, Istvan included. He kept pulling me to him and trying to kiss me, but I kept saying no. He would be like, "Why?" and I told him it was because I like someone else. That was crazy. He eventually said it was because I reminded him of his ex-girlfriend, the only difference was that I don't like him back. Ech. In all honesty I think he just wanted to mess around with someone so he could try to get over his ex. Whatever.

Anyways, today I went to the mall with Kyle, Danny, and Phillip. Long story short, Phillip ended up ditching us and wouldn't answer his phone so I had to take the bus home, only the second bus didn't come so Danny's mom had to come pick me up and drive me home. Only Danny was upset because apparently he likes me (he and his girlfriend broke up a couple days ago), but I don't like him back, also his mom was being a bitch and he was upset about how things went with Sarah (his ex). Also 'cause he had kissed me earlier that day (I let him and kissed back, which wasn't the best decision, I really don't know why I did), then later I told him that I was thinking about Kyle during the kiss, which hurt his ego I think.

But anyways, me and Danny had to flag down the city bus, so all I could do was shout bye at Kyle before running to catch up to it. Not what I was planning. So I was on the bus and I texted him:

Me: I wish we could've said bye.
Kyle: Lol, we did.
Me: I mean in a different way.
Kyle: Oh, a Danny way? (Danny's a manwhore for those of you who don't know.)
Me: Maybe...
Kyle: -said something... I don't remember what-
Me: There's always tomorrow..
Kyle: I was just typing that.

Eventually I was saying how I wanted to see if he'd try anything tonight, but he didn't. He was like, "You know I suck at that stuff." He's really shy. Which is cute, but I know I'll end up having to make the first move. Hahah oh well, worth it. Then we kept going back and forth... eventually I said something along the lines of being willing to wait for him to get back from Colorado. To which he said, "Alrighty." Ech. So I said back,

Me: Oh come on, I set that moment up for you.
Kyle: I know but I didn't know what to say.
Me: Well, what was your inital reaction?
Kyle: I dunno, honestly I know I def like you a lot but I still don't know you all that well.
Me: True. But we've got all summer to change that.

Then more back and forth. Nothing of major significance was said. We talked online for a little, then he signed off. We're hanging after school tomorrow, so I'll let you all know how that goes.

Wow, how pathetic is my life that I really have nothing else to talk about other than guy problems. Hahah, oh well. You know, it feels kinda weird to know I have 4 guys (5 if Michael hasn't moved on) interested in me at once. I've always been the awkward boobless chick with the bad haircut, never really to get guys to crush on her other than the occasional kid who's borderline gay anyways. I really don't know what changed about me. I guess I've just become more comfortable and open; who knows.

I really like Kyle though. He's so... different. I don't see him ever doing any of the shit Michael did, ever. He honestly seems like he cares about me. You know, it feels weird to already like someone else after I broke up with Michael less than a month ago... but the fact that Kyle's so different really caught my eye. And he's definitely keeping it. So we'll see how that goes.

I really wish he wasn't going to Colorado.

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A lot and a little has happened since that last blog entry.

Michael is being an ass, so whatever, I think I might just give up on him. It's been like 3 weeks and he's just expecting me to jump right back into his arms without any difficulty. Yeah, no thanks. Shows what I'm worth to him.

AP exams are over, we started finals last friday. Finals are easy though, so whatever. I'm not worried. After Tuesday all my hard finals will be over anyways.

Kyle and I have gotten a lot closer since we hung out last last Thursday. We're always talking, either online or text messaging or something (which is bad 'cause neither of us have texting). We hung out on Friday; we were kinda half-snuggling at two different points. Fangirl squeal. He's an amazing guy; he's funny as hell, crazy adorable, interesting-- I could go on. And he's real. He's really real. No lines, no boasting, nothing. He's not trying to attract me at all, he's acting like himself and letting it happen as it does. He's really shy though, not awkward shy, but not one to be all, "Hey baby." Which I gotta love. He's completely clean drugwise, and he's never had a girlfriend before (he's never asked though, it's not like he couldn't have gotten one if he wanted, he definitely could've, he just never wanted).

Yesterday he went to Boomers with his friend. I told him there's a Boomers right by my house, and he was bugging his friend to come to this one tonight. His friend is all for it, but now it's up to the said friend's mom. I really hope it works out, because he's leaving to go to Colorado in a week or so, so I want to spend as much time with him as possible before. I mean, he won't be gone for that long, but it's still longer than I'd like it to be. I really wish he didn't have to go.

Anyways, if today doesn't work out, we're going to be hanging out afterschool nearly everyday next week, and we're doing something next weekend. We haven't decided what yet, but we're definitely doing something. So I think that will suffice as enough time before he leaves. It really sucks that I met him so close to the end of the year though, but whatever, better late than never.

I'm not sure if I like him though. I think I do, but I can't really tell because I'm still thinking about Michael too much. Ech. Doesn't matter though, there's one more week of school then it'll be summer, and I know Michael won't be making any contact with me whereas Kyle and I will probably at least talk once a day. I don't think it's hard to tell how that will end.

Who knows, we'll see how that plays out. Here's a picture of Kyle after I styled his hair. You can't really see how adorable he is though. Either way it's amusing.

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Today was an interesting enough day.

We got out at 12:30 today, but before that there was a memorial service for the two kids who died this year, Jesse included. We planted a garden in Jesse's honor, and there were benches put it in Jonathon's honor. It was nice. Everything was so robotic though, like the things the principal was saying. He didn't really care to be there, and it was obvious.

I tried really hard not to cry, but I couldn't entirely hold it in. It was okay though, I was acting pretty strong, but Danny noticed I was feeling horrible, and he comforted me. As did everyone. At one point I was trembling, and he felt it and was like, "It's okay, I'm right here, I'm not leaving you," and I felt a lot better. I love him. I couldn't help but wish it was Michael saying those things to me, I used to feel so safe in his arms. Doesn't matter anymore though.

Afterwards, I was hanging out until 4:30, when the busses came around again for the middle schoolers. It was really fun, I hung with Danny, Joey, Phillip, and Kyle. At first I was really ticked off because Michael ditched me again (after giving me a note this morning that was all, "I love you but words aren't enough", you'd think he's want to show me that he loved me instead of the exact opposite). His excuse was that Danny was annoying him (which is ironic because Danny was the one telling me that I should stop being so bitter towards Michael), but if that's true, shows how much I mean to him that he's not even willing to be there for me because he's a little annoyed by someone else. Great way to show me he cares and win me back; ditch me AGAIN after I just spent the last hour or so crying over Jesse.

Daphne, the optimist of this all, is giving up on him. Now even she's saying it's not worth it. It honestly seems like he doesn't care at all, so why do I?

On a brighter note, I had a killer time today. We messed around in BK, then went over to Danny's house. At first we were just hangin' out, Kyle was playing the guitar a little, just chillin', then it happened: Kyle threw a penny at me. War! I threw it back, then eventually we were running all around Danny's house, up and down the stairs, in and out of rooms, pegging each other with handfulls of coins. Eventually he just tackled me onto a bed, and the war kinda died. My shoes got stolen at one point, then I got thrown at another; it was just crazy. I had an awesome time.

Phillip admitted that he likes me today. Well, kinda. I told him last night that I like it when people say it to my face, just straight out, and he said he'd tell me today. So then, I'm about to get on my bus, and I'm like, "Hey-- you never told me if you like me or not." And he replies, "There's no point to saying it when you're not over your last relationship." Me, "So, you do?" Phillip shrugged and smiled. Hahah. Crazy. I don't really like him though. Like, as a friend, but I don't have any other interest in him, which is bad, because I think I'm leading him on a little. But whatever, I don't know him that well, so who knows what will happen.

Honestly though I have more interest in this Kyle kid. He's wild, funny, and all that good stuff. But it doesn't really feel like I like him. It kinda seems like I'd like to like him, but I just don't. I don't know though, this was the first time we hung out of school, and I had a really good time with him. Then I got home and he had IMed me, so who knows.

On the bus, Michael called me, and we just got into another pointless fight about today. It was the same as always: I accuse him of not caring and ditching me and all that, with plenty evidence to back it up, and he disagrees and tries to argue, but has nothing to back it up whatsoever. This time I wasn't even hurt so much as extremely pissed, because of how he tells me all this shit in the note then does this. I don't think I was hurt because I was expecting it.

Hey, that makes it 3 times I've needed him and he's ditched me. Only this time I wasn't so hurt.

Wouldn't you know it, "The Way We Were" by Default came on my playlist. It's really perfect. Here are the lyrics.

The Way We Were

We've fallen out of grace again
Could be the beginning of the end
We stuck by and watched the other walk away
Could not stay I can't belive we'd give up so easy

[Chorus]
Don't you miss the way we were?
Don't you wish we made that turn?

What we said was sometimes meant
Wasn't worth the breath that we spent
Even though that I don't know how much we tried
Or even why
For all it's worth it's not what we deserve

[Chorus]
Don't you miss the way we were?
Don't you wish we made that turn?

The best times are far gone
All that's left is to forget
Still I seem to hang on
But indeed it's not over

Don't you miss the way we were?
Don't you wish we made that turn?
Don't you miss the way we were?
Don't you miss the way we were?

Man, I seriously need to get over this. Why the fuck am I getting upset over a guy who hurts me so much? Shouldn't I hate him? I should. I wish I did. But I don't. I don't think I can.

I think I can only count on him forgetting about me (which will happen soon enough, I'm sure) which will force me to move on, instead of me knowing he'd open his arms to me in an instant if I turned his way.

AP exams tomorrow; FUCK!

(PS.
Videos from today will come shortly.)

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