what am i suppose to do? there is not a single day we dont fight anymore. im beginning to dislike everything he does now. i feel so restricted i can't even breathe. he can't even trust me anymore. this relationship is so pointless. it wont get anywhere. i havent been happy in so long that i dont even remember how to be happy. he took away everything from me, one by one. he doesnt let me talk to a lot of my friends. but then when he's on the phone with me, i feel hes only doing it so i can't talk to anyone, because all he does is talk to his friends and friends of friends and play games with them. and im expected to just sit here listening and do nothing at all. and if im talking to a friend, i have to tell him who exactly and what exactly. there is nothing more than pain to this relationship. sometimes i just rather not be with him than suffer like this.

last night he blamed me for where he is now. he said if i had moved out then there wouldnt be today, because he wouldnt have moved out. to him, he feels that everything hes done and where he is now is all because of me. what am i?

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everything is so unstable now. i can't even picture what would happen the next day anymore. everything is just a blur, there is no sense of security or trust anymore. i dont think its right to blame him. but strangely enough i don't feel very upset over the lack of bond between us. i dont think this is a good thing though.

last night, i had a dream. a dream about the recent. he had moved away from home and stuff. he proposed to me, i had rejected him. come to think of it in reality, i wouldnt know what i'd do now either. i feel so lost, my mind has no sense of direction... maybe when he finds a place to move at least, things may be a little better. i really don't like where he's staying right now. i can say i totally hate it. but i havent told him i hated it THAT much, he knows i dislike it though. what can i do ... and its not like he can do anything even if i do tell him anyway.

someone show me a future with light and happiness.

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when you love someone, do you accept all their weaknesses as well as strengths?
then why is it that you fight over the most stupid things or become annoyed over the way they are acting or doing things you dislike?
im beginning to question myself... i wonder why it happens, why is it that i get angry so easily... is it that hes revealing his real self more and more now that we've been together longer? or that im expecting more and more? or is it that im fed up with putting up with the attitude?
what is it supposed to mean? im holding more and more from telling him everything... is it cos i dont know how to express myself? or that i dont think its the right time? or maybe there isnt any chance to tell him really because other things always get in the way? or is it because i dont even want to tell and talk to him anymore?
it seems like i dont know him as well as time goes on, but hes pushing me further and further into the relationship.... he sees a future, he sees a lot of things... but i dont even feel like im being treated right.
i hate guys who believe that just because you're their girlfriend, they can get you to do anything whether its a favour, a chore or anything physical at all.. there just isnt any respect what so ever as to what i want. he doesnt even go to THINK about why i feel that way or why i dont want to do certain things like play games while im studying -.-" and so on...
im really tired of this. how much more can i tolerate... how much longer can i tolerate... when i get angry, he just tells me to stop arguing with him... when i try to put him in my own shoes, he tells me to 'cut that crap' ... i dont even know this man anymore... or maybe i dont even want to know him anymore. as much it may hurt to hear it or read it.. it huts no where near as much as inside my heart when it all happens and when i think back and have to reason the situation.

money and gifts are just tangible items that anyone can get if they had money. the intangible items are priceless, thats whats worth the most and its as simple as i want. why doesn't he ever put in the effort to just sit around with me to talk, or just cuddle me and sit there and do nothing else but talk? is there something hes hiding that hes afraid i'd ask? or that he can't tell me?

im tired, but im not sleepy... i'm just really tired of trying to force a smile when i dont want to... holding in anger when i'm really stressed already.. and the immaturity can really drive me insane sometimes. just how long will this last?

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its already been a week since the incident. i feel terrible. i know im not always there for him. yet im the one who complains the most about him not being there for me. i dont have the right to do so, but i sometimes i just cant help it at the time. i really dont know what to do about anything. i feel completely shit about everything, yet i have to act strong and vibrant and lively in front of him. little does he know how much pressure im under and how unhappy i actually am. as a matter of fact, no one knows, not my parents, not him. no one. i dont want to ask for more. all i want for my birthday this year, is for him to be happy and stop treating me like a lapdog. im not a pet. i dont want to be punished for decisions which are made for me where i have no say in.

all i hope for in that box is the job at crown for him. because i know with that, it'll make him a little more useful, and it'll keep him preoccupied during the day.. and it'll help him solve a lot of problems atm.

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he shattered my sense of security in his arms with his very on hands.

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i didnt dare touch it again ever since the other week. then i ask myself, what are you scared of? didn't want to hurt myself again? or was it that i felt it was contaminated? or did i not even want to see it anymore? i dont even know... oh well... whatever the truth may be hiding within... all i know is that sometimes its really hard to just turn a blind eye. its so hard to not care about so many things. what does he not understand? exams are getting close. mum's pressuring me as usual about my life... i hate being stuck under this roof. but im not ready to move out with him. i need more time. especially since that other week. all my effort i had put into learning to accept and trust him again just all went to waste it seems. and now, im just very cautious about everything. i dont want to be. it makes me feel like i dont believe anything he says, and always having to check and need evidence to make sure hes not lying. im NOT happy about it, its nothing really to be proud of or to speak of. i tried to put the past behind me but it doesnt just happen magically like that. its so hard. even just like today, he was on the phone with me all the way back home... i really shouldve appreciated that, but i didn't ... instead.. i started getting all paranoid and started overanalysing and thinking about why he had time to call me and stay on the phone with me, when usually... he wouldnt call me till 45 mins later and then he'd say 'oh im sorry, i had to serve people before' or something along those lines.... today, it was dead silent? was i suppose to believe that? its not even a public holiday or anything... why do i feel hes still hiding lots of things from me?

life is so unfair, i never lied to my bfs, and nor do i ever lie to him... i try my best to be a gf, i stay within my limits, i dont nag him to let me go out with friends or to go to friend's parties or anything of that sort at all... what did i ever do to deserve having them lie to me? all i want is someone to truly love me and to make me laugh and make me happy, im not asking for him to be super great looking, or rich or smart or anything... i want is that true love and loyalty.... is it that much that im asking for? do those guys exist anymore?

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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i try to help him where i can... but today, he said he wanted someone to help him out so its not as tiring for himself. what was that suppose to mean? that i was of no help? hey i may not be very familiar with that industry, but dude i tell you i do heaps compared to what i'd normally do at home all in one go. what more can one expect of me? ive never washed so much dishes in my life, ive never seen such dirty water in my life, ive never seen such greasy containers and water in my life. i whinge and cringe when i see it all, but i still do it all in the end.

i sacrifice my own sleep time, getting up and out in the cold to go early to see him and help him out in the morning, but somehow i felt it was very unappreciated... it was such a gloomy wet morning, i was cold, and rather sleepy... yet i still went and did some shoppig for utensils and toiletries. all i got in return was a large sum of money put into my wallet. it didnt make me happy at all, not one bit. as a matter of fact, it upset me... it wasnt what i wanted in return. i wanted something more sentimental. something that meant something to me. all i really wanted was time to talk. i try so hard to talk to him even. its so hard to talk to him now. he's always so busy he pays 1% attention to me. a lot of the times when i talk, hes not even listening, i'll be saying one thing and the next thing he says is something totally irrelevent or hes asking me if the knife blade was sharp enough while i was telling him something totally different.

i feel like im talking to myself... i may as well go talk to the wall, might get more out of that even. the only time he ever pays attention to what i say is if im saying some shit about a guy at school or something... well, i suppose at least he cares about that.

someone tell me what i can do. its driving me nuts. im so tired from uni, when i go there to help him, i really do wish he'd talk to me or somehow show that he cares. i always end up crying to myself. the other day, i just couldnt hold it in anymre, i felt like scrap, like a piece of rag thrown around anywhere and just picked up and used when im needed... i bursted into tears on the spot, i tried so hard to distract myself and hold the tears in, but i couldnt help it. my tears wouldnt obey me. sometimes i even try to just push all my own issues aside and think of other stuff, happy, or try to make jokes with him and stuff, just to surpress all my own problems till i get home. i know hes tired and all, and i dont even know what to do about it. im so useless.. i just whinge about my own problems, but i dont even acknowledge hes under pressure too.

i wish someone was here to tell me what to do.

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