New year, new start, new blog.....................................................

So come on, try and find me.

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Hello.........

Not much has been going on lately. The two days before Christmas, I went late gift shopping. It was horrible, so many people and eveything was sold out. I'll never do that again.

Christmas was okay. I got to watch The Life Aquatic w/ my cousins. Jan brought his gf w/o his 'rents knowing. In return she brought her brother and her cousin along. It was a bit annoying, but they didn't bother anyone too much. There were Filipino pirates in the movie and when we saw them, we were the ony ones in the theater laughing our heads off. To put it bluntly, it felt akward. It was a good movie, but it felt too similar to Anderson's other works.

Mostly I've been being a big dork watching J-Doramas and playing video games. I know I have lots of things to do and now I don't have enough time anymore. Arg! I hate being so lazy! I gotta keep working hard, I can't get lazy now. It's just that lately it feels like nothing matters to me anymore. I dunno I just don't care about anything anymore.

My head hurts. I've been having constant headaches it feels so strange, it's like I can't focus my thoughts anymore. I can't think, it makes my head hurt. I bet that sounds pretty dumb. But that's the only way I can describe it. I hope nothing's wrong w/ me.

My dad, I'm worried about him too. He said a gang was harassing him while he was on the job. He heard gunshots and said that the kids ran towards my school, so now he thinks my classmates might be gangsters. I can't be sure if that's possible, but it could be. I hope he'll be alright.

Soon it'll be New Years. I hope it'll at least be a little bit better than this year.

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Not much has been going on lately. But last nite I went to this Xmas party w/ my cousins. We hung out in this big suite w/ a bathtub pratically in the middle of the room, out in the open. There was also this room where water squirts up to clean those "private" areas. It had some French name that started w/ a b, I forgot what it's called.

Mostly we talked about Hollywood cuz Lester's trying to become a big movie star. He's in Memoirs of a Geisha, playing waiter number 2. Now I really have to see the movie, not that I didn't want to already. He told us that Demi Moore is ugly in real life and that Ashton is a stuck up snob too. He said he was an extra in Gilmore Girls and that the actress who plays the mom was a real b@!*h. He has his own production company and is filming a movie w/ his production partner.

The adults stayed in the other room singing karaoke and exchanging gifts. While we stayed in the bedroom watching Degrassi.

Every episode after the shooting one gets crazier and crazier, Degrassi is one of the most insane shows I've ever watched! It's getting so outrageous, how can anyone not watch this show?

After we watched most of the episodes, we decided to go to the fourm shops to see this new spinning escalator. Jan and Reggie acted silly along the way, Em filming every moment of their craziness. We went to FAO Schwartz and bought candy that almost cost $10. Thankfully, the candy was good, some of the best I've had in a while.

We went home pretty late and stayed up playing the Sims. We made Jan and his gf, Irene. Jan and I went to bed around maybe 1 or 2 in the morning and Em stayed up, for who knows how long?

I can't wait for the New Years Eve party!

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Christmas is less than 10 days away and I haven't written my list of things that I want yet. I guess it's because I know I can buy most of this stuff anytime I want with my own money and for the first time, I feel like getting all this stuff won't really make me any happier. (Except for maybe the electric guitar!) Here goes.........

THE LIST

* An electric guitar starter pack (I know I'm not getting this, I screwed up already. It's too bad that that's the only thing I really want this year)

* Either an new acoustic or an acoustic-electric (If I'm not getting an electric, I know I'm not getting this, but I can dream can't I?)

* A guitar strap (cuz the one I have is ugly . . .)

* I need guitar picks

* An iPod (Yeah . . .right, very doubtful I'll get this)

* Clothes and shoes (I know my mom will buy this for me, but she doesn't know my style, so I know I won't like whatever she gives me)

* Too many CDs to list (I can probably burn them anyways)

* White Stripes DVD

* Napoleon Dynamite DVD

* Nintendo DS (Maybe I can trade in my old GB for this)

* The new PS2 looks nice

* Donkey Conga

* Batien Katos

* Degrassi Season 1 DVD

* It's been awhile since I read a good book, I need to start reading again

* Ummmm stuffed animals are nice (I think I'm running out of ideas already)

* Batteries are nice too . . .

* So are blank CDs

* I like gift certificates

* Money's good, even though I have my own

* A new computer (So the Sims 2 runs better)

* To be happy, I've been way too depressed lately

What I want the most for Christmas are not material things, but just to be happy and not depressed anymore.

I can already tell Christmas is gonna suck this year, because I didn't even tell my 'rents what I wanted yet. But everything will be alright if I get to watch The Life Aquatic on the 25th.

Happy Holidays!

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The way thing are, I have 3 options to chose from:

1. Change myself: This one, I can do. I've been trying to do it lately. It's just hard . . .when you've been a certain way for so long. I but if I change myself, then I wouldn't be true to myself. If I lie to myself, then I know I won't be happy. Maybe I have to take little steps first, work on one thing at a time. First, I'll try to be more considerate of other people's feelings.

2. Wait for my friends to accept me for who I am: If they are a true friend, then they'll look past those faults and accept me for who I am. This is hard choice because I can't make people change and I can't make people like me either.

3. Find people who understand me: I want friends who understand that I'm a bit of a Dariaish person. I can be sarcastic and kinda mean at times, but I never realized that it hurt people. That was just always my sense of humor. Which brings me to another trait, I want people who won't lie to me and who'll tell me what they really think of me. Now, they don't have to be rude about it, but they could tell me to stop, and I will. Friends shouldn't keep secrets from each other, they should always be open and honest.

Now, I don't have to completely abandon my current friends, I could try to get to know all the people I'm aquainted with better.

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mood: Where is the love?
listening to: I Heart Huckabees Soundtrack

I just don't get it.

People don't understand me or maybe I don't understand them. Maybe we don't understand each other.

Why won't anyone tell me what they really think of me? Why do people hide all their feelings?

I want to know what people really think of me, so I can work on my faults. So I know how people really feel about me. That might explain why I always lose friends. I can't believe I never realized it until now.

Nobody ever told me I was a sarcastic, overbearing, annoying, insecure, smothering, nosy and clinging person. But I guess that is who I am.

What's funny is that I know my friends have faults, but I'm learning to let it go.
Why can't they do the same, we're all human, and we make mistakes and have faults, we learn from them.

I guess if people don't try to understand me, then I should go back to being the extremely shy girl who never talked to anyone. The girl who kept all her feelings inside and hated everyone because now I know that once people people get to know me, they'll start to focus on all my faults, then soon enough, hate me.

Maybe I don't really know myself. I don't know anything. LIFE SUCKS!

I'm just a stupid girl who's confused............................................................

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