Use your head The week ahead could have some major repercussions, so you do need to be especially careful how you proceed. There is a Full Moon in Scorpio on Tuesday, which is going to make matters appear a lot more emotional than they might really be. This is where you could get stuck, and where you will need to use your wonderful sense of discrimination to help you make the right kinds of decisions and choices. It is necessary when it comes to any important meetings that you might be involved with, or in terms of contracts or issues that need to be thrashed out between various parties. There is likely to be a lot of tension, and this could make it much more difficult to come to an agreeable solution if you aren't ready for one. Jupiter turns direct in your sign, which does bring you a lot more opportunities, but this week it might be better to hold your fire, as the Sun also squares Neptune. There is a possibility of confusion, especially if signing a legal paper associated with your job. Your love life continues to be as bizarre as ever, and this keeps you on your toes. If you watch and wait, you will learn a lot.

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one word weekend-ass. i miss home. i mean new york. and i hate being here where nobody knows my name. there i was wanted and needed. i work myself up into the biggest self loathe session ever when into my inbox today pours letters (3) of love from the lost world. nikki, augo, danny and reba. jesus i miss them. dannys leaving sa-as im movin in. "you are heading home just in time for me, for me to leave". rebas happy. i think. i worry about the sugar high. nikki and augo still love me and miss me. and im also going home home, to ktown this weekend. jenni jenni jenni jenni jenni jenni jenni jenni jenni jenni jenni jenni jenni jenni
she has a boyfriend-i have to keep reminding myself. oh well, that girl thinks outside the box. going out with 'roofie' (is that even how you spell it-what a nerd is me) boy again tommorrow. god i hope i dont get fucked up. i like him-i think. mediocrity surrounds me so what can you do. matthew hates me. i think. i dunno.
ahhh so anywhoo. watched pieces of april and managed to stomach holmes. acctually really good. reminded me of a girl i know.

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happy holidays.
missed jenni. so i wrote her a noteborderline love letter. first in a while...im awkward at this point. really clear how fucking isolated i am lately. and since all hope of female relations has practically vanished, im now indulging in the older brother fantasy. desperate. yeah. why. matthew's strange lately. which makes my allready paranoid and anxious self start to freak out-that hes judging me. i feel judged. why. i can be the most experienced and alive person in the room or viceversa-it doesnt matter-everyones always giving me shit. why. breathe in deep let it out slow do you hear go go go. so. todays fun. i guess.

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forgive me for runningoff to find the one things i have to do
each night you can fall asleep assured that someday
i'll be comeing home to you
these constant reminders in everything i see
the chance of a lifetime...
what a great place to be
oh amy
don't hate me for running away from you
oh amy
don't hate me
i'm still in love with you
i'm sorry i can't be everything to you
your place is at the heart of what i do everything's for you
every time i run away
it's easier to stay
at the heart the hearts is you in everything i do

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dont know why this hit me amidst the elevator streins of the workplace--perhaps the medication ive decided to prescribe again. but the sun rises in a clear sky. god im homosexual lately.


I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

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i think the problem is as follows:
before i indulge myself in an uncensored act-as i used to always- i know think out the course of events in my head; and remembering humiliation and shame in past moments, that arent so far away--i choose to doubt my intelect and witty, silly smile. i dont think i live as much now. its a fear that conquers even the closest attachment...and leads a girl to think shes crazy more often than not.

josh's birthday was monday. if i hadnt had a spiritual yet cosmic talk with shelly i never wouldve even remembered. im such a asshole. so i called him today-pez said hi-josh was as wonderful as he ever was...sigh.

i should be on the oc-im better than all those fuckers.

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