I sometimes wonder ... just how much he still loves her ...

My curiosity is going to kill me one of these days. I become insanly curious about something and for some reason my mind doesn't rest until I find or figure stuff out.

The thing I'm referring to now, though, the things I think about actually make me physically sick to my stomach. I haven't thrown up or anything {I can't; not unless I'm very drunk or have a virus} but I have the strong urge to. I can't eat because I'm afraid I will actually puke. Occasionally I will force myself to eat in hopes that maybe puking would make me feel better. Either way, though, I still don't throw up.

Jake keeps asking me what's wrong and I'd love to talk about it, but how am I supposed to if even just thinking it makes me feel that sick? What am I supposed to do when/if he answers the questions when/if I finally ask?

I'm afraid of the truth ... although for all the truths that I've been afraid of before, nothing has been as bad as I had originally thought.

This one, however, he'd either lie about to spare my feelings or it would cripple me. I don't know if I'd be able to recover from the answers that he might give.

I try hard, insanly hard sometimes, to block these things from my mind, but random acts or statements will trigger them and then the sick feeling comes back. Sometimes it's because of simply not having enough to distract my mind from wandering away. Other times it's triggered by something he says. That's when it gets hard. I have to pretend I don't feel as sick as I do. I have to put on a show ...

He knows I'm not comfortable with him talking about certain things, but every once in a while something will slip and I have to put on a face, a show, so that I don't make him feel bad for something that is beyond his control. He's only human, things slip; and I'm not expecting him to be perfect or even close to it.

I just don't want him to feel bad about saying something that's on his mind or not tell me something that's on his mind for fear of upsetting me or making me feel ill.

My issue here is, I want to talk to him about these things. I want to ask him questions and I want him to be honest about the answers. But the answers he'd give me would hurt. They'd cause me a pain I would have trouble recovering from. Even with him there to comfort me ... Talking about these things is just the same as requesting or demanding the pain to be brought on.

Now, another dilema. The answers he would give me, would not be suprising. They would not catch me off guard; at least the underlying action. They'd be expected because that's how it is with most people. I don't know why it bothers me so much ...

Maybe because I'd like to know and feel and believe that I'm the only one ... It would make me feel special. I already know I'm special simply because I'm incredibly lucky enough to be with him. Ugh, now it just sounds like I'm being greedy. Wanting to feel more special than I already do? I repeat, ugh.

Why does this shit have to be complicated? And why do I have to complicate it that much farther?

I kinda wish he still read these ... maybe then he'd be able to prompt me rather than having to wait for me to build up enough courage to say anything. That might take an eternity. Something we certainly don't have.

Although, he probably knows what I'm talking about just as much as the next person who comes by and reads this.

{btw, yes there is a good kind of pain. it all depends, though, on who you talk to and how they handle it}

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We had a long talk last night. I finally talked about the I love you thing that's been bothering me for a few weeks.

The answer he gave me, I was half expecting and half relieved.

He said he still does love me, but he's saying it less to make it hurt less when the relationship ends. I told him how I felt about that and I have a feeling it's not going to change anything.

He knows I'd rather hear him say it than not at all. Even with the circumstances it was under, it still felt good to hear him say it last night. Especially after going who knows how long without hearing it come from him.

I cried, of course. It was one of those things that really couldn't be helped. I tried very hard not to cry and failed miserably.

It feels good to have him listen to me. It's not easy for me to talk about things that are bothering me, but I'm glad he tries to be there for me when I need him.

I don't think he realizes just how much I care for him. How much I love him.

I think one thing that bothers me most is the fact that he's confirmed, admitted, acknowledged and stated that the spark people feel when they've met the person they know they're meant to be with, isn't there with me. He knows we're not 'meant for each other.'

I wonder what happened after the first month of our relationship that changed everything. What and when was the moment everything changed?

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My depression has led to anger now. I'm so pissed off, though, I feel like crying.

I wish Jacob was here so that I could rant to him, but then again maybe it's a good thing he isn't here. I might end up going off on him and that's not what I want to do. I mean, yeah, there are a few things that he does/says that aggrivate and annoy me, but everyone is like that. I'm 100% sure there are things I say and do that piss him off.

I have to be careful who I rant to when I do finally let it all out because I tend to not think about the things I say and sometimes things come out in a way they're not intended. In otherwords, I might be brutally honest about something I'd normally curve. I still try to be as honest as possible, but I won't always be so blatantly blunt about certain things.

Maybe then it would be good for me to rant to Jacob. He wants to know exactly how I feel and if being pissed off, drunk or extremely tired is the only way for me to say exactly what I feel ...

Fuck! I want to just go to the top of a mountain or a tree and yell every obsenity there is at the top of my lungs.

I think maybe it's better when I'm pissed off as opposed to being depressed. Although I still cry, I tend to be more vocal, animated and imaginative when I'm pissed. When I'm depressed, I want to just crawl into a hole and not emerge until it passes.

The only problem I see about being pissed off {other than the fact that it's not a pleasant mood and I could say the wrong thing to the wrong person} is that I'm more violent. I already have violent tendencies, but they make themselves more present and obvious when I'm pissed off. I find myself wanting to punch, stab, kick, burn, injure-in-some-way someone or something. I almost broke my hand once from punching a wall when I was pissed off.

I did actually stab someone, though I wasn't intending on getting that close. I just made the motion to stab him and he was closer than I thought. {don't worry, it was only a small scratch}

Fuck. I'll continue this later.

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My stomach aches. My headache has returned in full force.

My jaw is sore; most likely from clenching my teeth.

I feel very restless and my entire body is sore. Almost like I've been running a marathon.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I want it to stop.

I hate feeling this way.

It sucks.

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