Merry Christmas and all that fa-la-la-blah!
New alias coming soon. I'll be adding my previous nutang pals ;).

& for old times sake, here's a little tune I've been enjoying. You may recognize it from a JCPenny commercial. I was so excited for The Weepies because I've known of their music for a year now and their happy lil' folk songs make my feet sway. Enjoy <3. :



The Weepies "All that I want"

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Song of the moment: Ben Jelen- Come on.
My fave part of the lyrics.:

"Thinking back before her
I never knew the meaning of alone
Still the flag is feeling foreign
I live the day to escape into a phone
Speaking of a world not real then
Where did she go
How did she go
I wanna wanna know
I wanna know that she'll be coming here to me"


So lately, life has been really busy. I'm a pretty lazy person but there's something in constantly being busy and exhausted yet knowing so many things are getting done. But there's also that moment when you sit down and the rush dies down and you're left in the dark trying to get some rest for the next busy day but your mind refuses to shut down and your thoughts take you to a place you didn't want to return to. Yeah.

He's out of my life, but not out of my mind. He's such an idiot. I know that. That's what I've been told and what I try to remind myself. After a while I forget why I liked him. But he's still there. I don't know if he was the best thing to happen to me or my biggest regret. I don't know if he's neither or both. And I hate that I write pathetic blogs like this about him. I don't think he deserves that honor but that's how it is. And what I hate the most is that I'm probably nothing to him. I left no effect/scar on him. Why is that? On rare occasions I'll speak to a mutual friend and nonchalantly ask how he is. He's always with a different girl. Bitterly I wonder why life couldn’t run its course for me the way it does for him and other people I know. Why can't I find someone who will wipe away his memory from my mind? Is there a big difference in the girl to guy ratio or something?!. It's more frustrating than I can explain..

Last week, I was writing college application essays and one of my dear old friends was helping me with a certain essay I had trouble with. He told me to look in my past online blogs to find the pieces I was inspired to write because that essay was falling to crap. I stumbled upon conversations we had that I posted because at the time I thought the flirtation and the humorous tone he set was endearing in a way. And reading them hit me like a.. a sumo wrestler? haha yeah sure, a sumo wrestler who knocked the breath out of me.

And then (it gets worse. I promise.), the next night I went to the movies to watch Children of Men with some people. The movie ended and I went out and was heading to the lady's room and noticed a bunch of ghetto Asians. There was a tall figure and he turned around and I just knew it was him. Before I froze up I ran into the bathroom and something came over me. I was trying to reapply my eyeliner and my hands were trembling. What were the chances of that? I don't want to believe fate had a hand in that coincidence. But it was a pretty big coincidence wouldn’t you agree? After not seeing him for a year, suddenly I was reminded why I liked him and I see his silhouette in public -real, tangible, and in living color. But if fate did, it was just to be cruel. When I walked out, a little more composed than when I went in, he was gone.

It's funny how I was lost at words when I was with him but now the words filled my head to a point that they're spreading to other parts of my body for storage. The long nights once filled with hushed telephone conversations have been replaced with empty time. Time to think of how it could've ended differently and the ways I would rewrite what should've been said. If I had the chance to let the silenced words free, would I finally have peace? I don't think so. Part of me thinks it's best to leave the situation alone. To let the past be the past and find meaning for it in the future. The other side is naive enough to want it all back. He might have been all wrong for me (well by now he definitely is all wrong for me) but I still come back full circle to my memories of him. I don’t want him back. I want what we had with someone new. And that leaves me waiting for my next chance at love somewhere in the future.

The future is a place I look forward to. I'm curious to see where I'll be next year. Next year all my college stuff will be settled. Life will be different. Hopefully I'll be living at a faster pace with an easy math teacher who curves, some dependable close friends, and maybe a significant other (well maybe not the first year but maybe the year after??). Oh, and definitely independence to do what I please. I don't see him in my future though. I see him fading in the future and that is something I really look forward to.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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"And he told my friend, 'When I went home I brushed my teeth over and over again because you know what lesbians do.'" I finished quoting a mutual friend's(we'll call her Esperanza) recent exboyfriends words with the quotation mark gestures. My companion's face was retorted in disgust. "HE DID WHAT?!"

"Yeah I know. I couldn't believe it either. And he told someone who he just met this secret of hers when she trusted him enough to where she thought he wouldn't say anything."
"Omigosh yeah!" her eyes were wide in disbelief.

My companion revealed that she knew about Esperanza's sexuality for three years now and was outraged that she kept her secret for so long but the jerk couldn't hold it in at all. If you met Esperanza you'd notice the way she dressed (fully clothed with layers) and the way she carried herself. A sweet natured, fun loving girl who also had a tough side to her. She was never judgemental and was pretty nice to almost everyone. She always had a boyfriend and goofed with the girls but you'd never be able to completely tell that she was more attracted to the latter. My companion and I had talked about homosexuality before. To her, although it was against her religion, she understood that sometimes people were homosexual due to circumstances. In Esperanza's case, it was completely understandable. She was a little girl in her homeland at the time just walking home and a man came out and started to kiss her and probably was going to rape her. She fought hard. She scratched, kicked, punched, and pushed with all her might. Her first kiss was stolen by a drunk bastard. She ran home and never told her parents because her mom wouldn't have believed her anyway and would tell her it was her own fault.

It's hard to find people to trust.

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A little (hah..) poem I wrote. Inspired by broken communication and this song called "Grace" by Kate Havnevik. I've posted her lyrics because they convey the twist of hope and despair so well. And as you listen to the song you might become as entranced and enveloped into the way her voice cradles your mind if you listen to it in the right mood. Find her song on her myspace here:

http://www.myspace.com/katehavnevik

La-la-lyrics:

::GRACE::

I’m on my knees
only memories
are left for me to hold

Don’t know how
but I’ll get by
Slowly pull myself together

There’s no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace

I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world

Come what may
I won’t fade away
But I know I might change

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
I’ve lost everything
I just want to feel your embrace

I love you..
I love you..
I love you.
I love you.
I love you...




<My poem. Pardon me for I'm a bit rusty in my writing.

[[ REMOVED. ]]

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Food I consume
is hard to swallow
is hard to taste
hard to forget what he said.

"I had no money so I just decided not to come." he told me when I asked him where he had been since I haven't seen him at lunch for two days. He's new and he's in my grade. He's living with his brother since he had been emancipated from his parents. I had no idea. Apparently his parents want nothing to do with him because he did something. Not sure what. I didn't ask. He's working two jobs after school. He wants to go to a good college. But his future will have to be on hold as he tries to get his life in order. His regretful tone said it all. His parents withdrew their unconditional love. Part of me wonders what unforgivable act he committed. The other part of me doesn't think I can handle it. Handle another jaded spirit whose fallen such a depth. I hope all the best for him though. I hope even better that he has everything he needs to get through this. For I feel like that's all I can do..

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