lucky cha cha cha!

Look, I love my friends a lot. I can't imagine where I'd be without them. But seriously, lately it feels like they just don't want me around anymore. Today, after school, they were all hanging out with each other, muttering and stuff. At lunch Alyssa, Alanna, and Ciara were all hanging out with each other and whispering and stuff again. It really ticked me off because I could tell they were talking about me: they tried keeping me away from the conversation, well they usually do that but not in the frequency that they were doing it today, and they didn't even bother coming back over to me and Victoria again. I feel sorry for Victoria anyway 'cause I could tell that the whole time she wanted to go over and go talk with them too, but she stayed sitting alone with me. Not even sitting, she stayed standing. I felt bad about that so I told her to go and sit, but she wouldn't.
Alyssa had come over to talk to her and whispered something in her ear, which made her go away for a little while, and of course when she came back I was dying to know what she had said. Pestering and pestering wouldn't pry it open so I just gave up, thinking it was about me too. And after school, right in plain view in a normal voice, Alyssa goes, "She should have at least said something or something! Like come on, you tell him something like that it would've been nice to hear it from you instead of from him and wondering where it came from!"
Backstory. LAST YEAR. Seriously. It was Spanish class and Mike and I were just working and talking 'cause we were in the same group and randomly he goes, "Who do you like?" I had already liked Andrew by now but like I could've said anything; Alyssa's been obsessed with him since the beginning of seventh grade. So he just goes off firing random names: "Derek" "Robert" "Me" ("No way.") "Matt" ("Which one?" "The short one." "No way.") And then he gets to Andrew. I" was trapped, he kept saying it over and over like "I know you like him," so then I had to blurt out, "Alyssa's the one who likes him, not me!" because I had thought it was already common knowledge by now, especially for one of his best friends. Apparently not because he threatened to tell everyone, and by the next day Alyssa was confused, saying, "How does Mike know who I like?"
I wrote an entry about it on xanga saying how guilty I feel and pouring my emotions out, and later on I had made it protected, just for my closest friends. I had no idea Alyssa would find it more than half a year later and bring it back against me.
All this ignoring has been making me feel pretty crappy lately. Nowadays, the only ones that'll talk to me are Tracy and Caitlin, and they're never outside to sy anything. I'd say Ciara too if Alyssa wasn't always dragging her off selfishly whenever I try to fit in one "Hello, how are you?" in. Like Ciara is her property! Dammit, I feel like we're all supposed to be friends but we're keeping all these secrets from each other, so it doesn't work. See, when Victoria first got a screen name she was annoying as hell but now she's just okay, maybe even showing a bit of compassion torward what we're doing. I feel like I'm not granting her the same courtesy though, I just want to hang on to my friends. Victoria knows that I like Andrew and she told Will too (he probably doesn't care though) but I can tell that everyone else has suspicions that I like him too. Even worse, Victoria probably told them and they're turning against me for keeping secrets.
And hypocracy! Don't even get me started on how, in their, or mostly "her", hypocrite-hating frenzy, she's turned into a hypocrite! It's always, "I don't like Andrew anymore, stop bothering me about it!" but she's bothering us with her unrequited love with all her dreams and wishes and pissed postings. And I bet she's probably talking to all of them about Andrew too! She doesn't want to admit it, but she still has a huge crush on him! I'd try to get her to admit it but she'd probably blow up in my face and accuse me of liking him. Well hey, if I started going out with him, would you blow up? I mean, you "obviously" don't like him anymore, doesn't that make him freed up? He never even liked you in the first place, "sister"! It just makes me so mad.

In other, non-friends related news, I've decided on my high school: Paramus Catholic. Yeah I didn't like it at first and, to tell the truth, I still don't think I like it better than, say, Mount Saint Dominic, but it's the most convenient choice for my family and besides, it's better than Laco or QP. My brother can go there next year and it's the most affordable. I'm kinda bummed that so many other people are going there though. Anthony even ranted on about that too: that he's been working his ass off trying to get into PC while others think they can just waltz in there as a backup school. I was thinking almost one hundred percent that he was talking about people like me, but if had even confronted him about it he would get mad all over again. I absolutely hate seeing other people mad; I actually enjoy being mad but if I get somebody else fired up without getting mad myself, I feel horrible. I guess that's my apologetic side for you.
But seriously, some of my friends are getting worked up about my choice too: they keep saying, "Oh you'll see everybody there!" and stuff. Well for one, even at the scholarship exams and registration day, I barely saw a few familiar faces in the crowd of what was to be my freshman class next year. I don't think they realize the magnitude of the school. And it's not like I'll even be hanging out with them! If they don't exist to me, I don't exist to them, and the world can keep turning around and around.
I'm kind of scared, actually, that I won't make any new friends next year. Sure there'll be at least a handfull of familiar faces but none that I'm actually acquainted and comforatble with. I was contemplating breaking off my friendships and starting anew next year, heck, that may even happen if my relationship walls keep tumbling down. But truthfully, I don't want to break anything off and I really wanna stay in touch after we graduate eighth grade. Even if we do go our own seperate ways before then, we've still been friends way before that and you just can't deny your past. You'd be like Lisa B. Oh wait, they're hypocrites, the bad stuff that the "other group" does that we do to are only bad for "them" because we're perfect. They don't even realize what they're doing, every single person in both groups. Oh, and if you haven't realized it by now, my school is very cliquey. So that makes the shunning by my friends hurt even more because I have nowhere to go.

My birthday's in a few weeks. Call me selfish, but I kinda wish that my friends would keep ignoring me by then. I wanna see how outcasts feel on their "special day" when nobody notices them. And plus, I wouldn't have to throw a party. Sure gifts are nice and stuff, but really. Honestly, I'd like the memories and such, especially since it's the last time I'll probably throw a party with all of them, but if they have to be such bitches about everything, then I'd rather not. Hell, I'm being a hypocrite right now because I'm bitching over this right now. But at least I'm admitting to it. They'd all say it's "different" because it's somebody else.

Wow this turned out really long. Hello nutang. I've missed you so, seems like it's been forever since I've been gone. But it's only been two weeks. I think I'll be using you more now that I apparently have no freedom of speech without it coming back to haunt me somewhere else.