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dave
Age. 31
Gender. Male
Ethnicity. Chinese
Location Valley Village, CA
School. Cornell Univ
» More info.
The Challenge - Facts 51 to 100 of 100
220th day of 2010
Now, where were we? Oh right, I remember now. In hindsight, it's so clear.

51. For 7 days and 10 nights straight, I studied so that I could be accepted into a college.

52. There were more nights than days, because I was in Alaska at the time, where not every day had a corresponding night. It's called the Time Light Discontinuum. Never heard of it? Read a book. Read this one: The Time Light Discontinuum, by J.R. Confucious.

53. On October 4th, it happened. I was accepted into the School of Clowns in Clown College.

54. I celebrated by dropping out of high school to follow my passion of becoming a poet.

55. For the next several years, I traveled the world, writing poetry inspired by the many lands I visited.

56. I took these poems and anonymously carved them into ancient monuments, artifacts, and relics.

57. My favourite was entitled, Fur Elise Island.

58. It went something like this.

O' shamrock, where 'chu art thou?
Are thou a rock or thou ye cow?
Ye cow with no temper,
No fingers, remember?
O' shamrock, eagle shamrock,
Lest loot, lest balk,
Lester stole Shenny's sock,
Beside the pond, beneath the dock,
O' shamrock, you roll 'n you rock!

59. Due to the obvious deep meaning and emotions, linguists adopted that poem into a neo-modern language taught in high schools around the world.

60. The language is called Latin, short for Latin American Women (LAW).

61. And that's when it happened. I won the Georgian Lottery.

62. I was so thrilled that I went to my local dollar store and bought a nail clipper.

63. I then clipped my nails, so that I could look my best.

64. I celebrated so hard over the next 18 months. Man! I partied hard.

65. I wish you were there.

66. My last party was known throughout history as the Party Heard around the World, except for Antarctica, because penguins have no sense of sound.

67. Then it happened. I was notified that the Georgian Lottery was a scam.

68. Unfortunately, by then, thinking I never had to work another day and be set for life with $200 Georgian dolares, I had already spent all my life savings.

69. I had no choice but to take the closest job, so that I could begin earning an honest living and paying off my debt.

70. And thus, I put on my socks, went downstairs to my basement, and applied to the McGoofies, working their drive-thru station.

71. McGoofies was a multi-national bank, specializing in micro, macro, mini, and happy meals.

72. After 3 years, I worked my way up to the mail room. I was a rising star, but I wanted more.

73. So, I brainstormed.

74. For 24 hours I brainstormed really hard. So hard that I got a raging brainer. Eventually, the spark I was looking for finally ignited. That spark burned down the entire McGoofies corporate building, causing Wall Street to crash, putting millions in financial distress.

75. This is commonly known today as Black Wednesday.

76. But amidst this tragedy, there was fortune. I had an idea, an idea I knew would empower the world and make millions.

77. I called this idea the World Wide Global Warming (WWGW).

78. I consulted a famous marketeer by the name of Al Gory about this and he suggested I drop the G and just called it WWW.

79. And so, I registered my very first website, www.www.www

80. If you clicked that above link, then I have a bridge to sell you.

81. The bridge I am referring to is in fact the foundation to the World Wide Global Warming project. You see, the premise of WWW is that one would build a bridge from Cinque Terre, Italy to Hangzhou, China. The logic there is so ridiculously obvious I won't insult your intelligence by explaining any further.

82. The bridge would transport a cutting edge form of green energy technology our firm acquired.

83. This technology was code named Allspark.

84. Actually, let me digress for a second and explain how we acquired the Allspark. We have global warming to thank for that.

85. The year was several years ago and the global warming virus had spread to Los Angeles, where I was currently residing. It transformed rain clouds into sand cactii, essentially forcing the land into a desert in the shape of an eagle. People were dying left and right due to physical and mental dehydration.

86. Someone had to do something. ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH! Since our governor quit to pursue a career in acting, I knew I had to be the one to step up. (Good for him though.) And so, I organized a crew of my closest friends for a mission to Alaska.

87. As alluded to, we went to Alaska, the only source of true anti-heat, otherwise known as glacier, in the US.

88. Using a fleet of helicopters, we extracted the 5 Great Glaciers from AK to LA.

89. Unfortunately, mother nature had a trick up her boot that no one could imaging. Heat. The heat melted all the Great Glaciers en route to LA.

90. But by now, through my life experiences, I knew in every failure, there was success. In every Greek tragedy, there is a stand-up jester. Where there is a loser, there is always a winner laughing in his face and stealing his diet plan (based on 11 herbs and spices).

91. In this case, we uncovered an ancient civilization that was frozen inside the Great Glacier Goliath. Due to the tremendous coldness all these years, the civilization was preserved entirely in tact.

92. The civilization was priceless and, so, I promptly sold off the civilization to the US government for a tax break.

93. Come to think of it, they never gave me that tax break. Instead, they asked me to participate in an unsanctioned government study for $100.

94. I promptly agreed, because I needed the money. The study allowed Leonardo Dicaprio and other less famous actors to practice neurosurgery on my brain.

95. The result was a temporary disillusionment between dream and reality. I had to undergo years of mental exercises to regain a clear grasp on reality. This treatment involved mostly just watching a lot of reality TV, like Futurama and Entourage. It was a difficult transition, though. You know why?

96. Dreams feel real while we're in them. It's only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange.

97. Now that I'm aged and decrepit, like Jack Nicholson, people often ask me... if I could relive my life, would I do it again?

98. So in the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become. It's always the last day of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent. There are no more white horses or pretty ladies at my door.

99. And then it happened. I invented the 3-sided dice and retired.

100. Sometimes history repeats itself. It does especially when life tends to work against itself. That may seem confusing, but to me, it makes complete sense. Maybe because I wrote it. Or, maybe because, like Benjamin Button, I was born under unusual circumstances. Return to #1 to understand.
All content copyright by dave. Please do not reproduce, recycle, or regurgitate without the express written consent of the CTU.
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Recommended by 2 Members
randomjunk bluetopaz
9 Comments.


I can't even pick a favorite this time. The story of your life is too epic to abide by the laws of reality. XP
» randomjunk on 2010-08-08 07:14:46

Wow, you are fast! I just went through to make grammatical edits (loads of them this time) and you've already commented.
» dave on 2010-08-08 07:21:39

I had to take a break at "raging brainer," because I was laughing so much
» bluetopaz on 2010-08-09 12:04:58

whoo!
I miss these stories. Little things like your raging brainer and allusions to a certain governor really make the story.
» middaymoon on 2010-08-09 06:13:47

Wait for it, wait for it.
BLAAUUUUGH! -vomits on you-

That's my reply to your comment.

Also...this must be why I didn't do so well on my essay on the Great Depression. You're a bit late in informing me, but hey, better late than never.
» Unicornasaurus on 2010-08-16 12:44:11

Wow, that was beautiful. epic, even. Refer to #69 on my 100 facts as to why that is significant...and no, I'm not coming onto you
» The-Muffin-Man on 2010-08-18 11:49:07

A hand
I certainly could try it once I set up in college this weekend.

Are we talking life size?
» yourcupoftea on 2010-08-20 03:26:19

You are certainly way more interesting than words can describe Mr Dave
» Gotzhotmoney on 2010-12-02 11:47:54

Hi! four years ago my dad needed you and your sites help and you guys were amazing!
Can I count on your help now?

I'm new to nutang and need your help to win a contest. If you could help me out, please vote for me at this link:

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» hallie-mae on 2010-12-04 08:39:54

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