�I�m a fraud,� I say to no one in particular as I lay in the dark. Albert, the man who has the room adjacent to mine, must think me a bit queer because I�m always talking to myself/dancing/pacing/singing/reenacting WWII.

�I�m not doing this to make a difference -- I don�t do it because I�m noble or because I�m some great guy. I�m doing it because�� I give up. I don�t want to talk about why I voluntarily subject myself to the mental anguish that comes from talking to children who've had taken from them what no person has the right to take: innocence.
It's... nerve-breaking, and even though I just started meeting with victims, I'm not sure how much of it I can take. Every time I see that hospital I question if I'm strong enough to do what I signed up to do.

What makes it worse is that the only person I can talk to about it is Jon... And the giant purple heart-plushie that rides shotgun in my car. (Seriously. I roll around with a big purple heart sitting beside me 24-7.)

The thing about having only Frienamies: you don�t trust anyone enough to open up. Even the people you love more than yourself aren�t close enough for you to make yourself completely vulnerable to �em.

I did not step out of my room this evening until I wanted some din-din. (A turkey sammich -- Swiss Cheese, some wheat bolilo bread ,and some turkey I purposefully burnt on a skillet to give it a crunch.) Within a few minutes, Ben, Albert, and Jon found ourselves in front of the TV watching my future wife (Laurie Ann Gibson from MTB) when Aaron emerges from his room.
�Hey, family,� he says to us with a giant grin. Ben, who is sitting on the couch next to me, and Albert, who is lounging on a love seat, both grin and offer a greeting in return.

I stood up, opened the screen door, and walked outside onto our patio.


The thing about having Frienamies� the thing about voluntarily putting up walls to shield yourself from genuinely good people.. . is that it�s a struggle. My problems with intimacy go way past romance, and I think I know why.. The only person I can open up to is the person I trust the least:


Me.

Friendamies... I think everyone has a couple or a few of them.
» Nuttz on 2008-08-27 04:18:52

we ARE friends. i didn't tagged u because i know some people from my list will tag u. so i also need to leave some for the people on my list to be able to tag other nutangers.
» renaye on 2008-08-27 04:35:54

rofll, I love that idea. Thanks, I'm going to see if I can put that into effect tonight =P

and dang, that was a deep ending to your entry. I have goosebumps.


» ChrissyBabe1718 on 2008-08-27 10:08:35

Okay.. I didn't know that I'm going to be the first.

Emergency supplies in that context means things that I can eat when I am upset.
» Nuttz on 2008-08-27 10:16:47

As long as you didn't think it was funny after you saw the video's then I won't hate you.
» lyndeep on 2008-08-27 02:39:51

Yeah, no DBZPiccolo, but maybe someday I will do both of them for comparison.

I think that is a pretty deep observation. I'm sure all of us have a hard time trusting ourselves at one point or another. It takes time to get to know yourself and, on top of that, make yourself someone that you want to know. At least that is my experience.
» jinyu on 2008-08-28 12:29:51

althouhg most of the time im phantom reader...
but i would like to know 15 things that ppl dont know... do u mind to do the tagged.... ?

u got tagged by me.. plz visit mi blog... ty
» jolenesiah on 2008-08-28 03:25:28

RYN : lol.... no worry.. i wont change u into vampy... lmao
» jolenesiah on 2008-08-28 09:53:19

it's badminton, actually ;p ...what are friendamies? o_o;; xxx
» Kuri on 2008-08-28 05:01:42

I dunno, the first day I was really out of it and going in there made me extremely uncomfortable. Usually I just get detached but it was like, scary... And also the teacher is kind of freaky.
» randomjunk on 2008-08-28 11:54:54

R:C
Actually, I have seen this one before (bad Ranor) and if I remember correctly, the clip is the epilogue. Not that it matters.
» ranor on 2008-08-29 01:56:30

JON
Yeah yeah, you've been tagged...follow the Myspacey, chain-letter type game, it is quite fun.
» The-Muffin-Man on 2008-08-29 02:20:11

Well, do you know why you're doing what you're doing? If it's what you want to do there's no sense justifying it
» The-Muffin-Man on 2008-08-29 02:22:11

In reference to this post: you make me very sad sometimes.

In reference to your comment: No, that's Nathan. Who is also featured in the ironic love traingle thing.
» bananaface on 2008-08-29 07:37:47

I'm asian, it's acceptable. :P
» randomjunk on 2008-09-03 09:20:06

This is news to you?
» randomjunk on 2008-09-03 11:34:12

Re: I assume you mean Suzy Colbert, the NFL analyst?
Stephen Colbert, actually...Perhaps I should have made that more clear, thanks!
» computersaysno on 2008-09-04 12:41:08

re: I was joking
Oh thank goodness, I don't know a thing about football, so there. But yes, real-life Colbert is intriguing. I heard that he was a Sunday School teacher somewhere, damn. To have Stephen Colbert as a sunday school teacher...
» computersaysno on 2008-09-05 09:56:21

please don't
I don't want your Texas-loving comments on my blog tyvm.
» AmbyrJayde on 2008-09-13 06:35:50

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