Sunday. 1.29.06 12:18 am
FOR:
You are
Always
On my
Mind
"Jon,...come on." Kim tilted her head to the side and gave me this look that just screamed," Let me in."
I've been getting that look a lot lately.
When people question me about my day or try to bring something up to discuss, my immediate response is to just shrug or give a yes/no, one word, two word answer. I’ve noticed, since that day with Kim, that I don’t do it on purpose. I like Kim. She’s .. a friend. Close to a friend. She’s one of the few people I’d care to see after I graduate, so that’s something.( I’m very cautious with who I claim to be my friend. If I label someone a friend and let them into my heart as a friend, I make myself vulnerable to them. I don’t like being vulnerable to anyone.. Which brings me to Anh. More on that later.) I don’t mean to shut people out, especially since there aren’t many people who even attempt to get to know me anymore. I’ve made my belief about friendship clear( The line about vulnerability, ) to just about anyone who watches me throughout school, so few people even attempt.
In my PALs class a week or so ago, I remember sitting on one side of the room when about 10 or so other kids sat on the other side engaged in a conversation about love. Men are from mars, women from Venus stuff. They were animated, laughing and hooting, hollering and cackling, while I worked on my college paperwork for about an hour or so, then twiddled my thumbs and listened to music for another hour(hyperbole.).
Maybe if they were speaking of the Seattle Seahawks(Washington sucks, but that’s my team.) I could make the case I would’ve been more interested.. But for those of you who read this semi-regularly(Since I update semi-regularly)you’ll know I’m interested in matters of the heart. It bothered me a little that I wasn’t involved in the conversation, but after awhile two people who sit behind me came back from the library and began to talk to me. I’ve known one, Estefania, for a year now so I’m a little at ease with her. Anyway, after a couple of minutes of chatting with those two, I yearned a little to be left alone. I enjoyed the conversation, and I enjoyed my solitude, but I wanted neither. I want neither. What else is there?
Today,(Its Saturday night, late Saturday night, as I write this,) I had a tournament for debate to go to in the morning. It was a two day tournament, the first day being on Friday(Got to miss a lot of school for it.) Anyway, today… I made a new friend. I didn’t create one or nuffin, From scratch, I mean. I’m getting off topic..
She called me socially handicapped.
My school brought around 15 people. We were there for hours, the majority of my time was spent listening to my music and staring out the window. I talked to a couple of people, played a game of spades(was forced to,) and then went for a walk ‘cause I got tired of sitting on those uncomfortable chairs. I ended up sitting on this brick.. Wall.. Thing and had a clear line of sight out these glass doors and toward a beautiful skyline. Over in my part of town, there not a lot of trees to gaze at, so I loved this place. Anyway, I sat there for about an hour when a girl who went to my church a year ago showed up. I had seen her earlier in the day, and couldn’t help but stare at ‘er(trying to figure out if I knew her or not.) We ended up talking for fifteen minutes, then she left and went back to the cafeteria. I stayed out there for awhile longer, looking out the window and through the sky. I was looking for someone. More on that later. I eventually went back to the cafeteria, took my seat back at my table and asked a guy I knew “ yes, or no.” He said, “ What do you mean, yes or no,” and after awhile I got him t o just pick one. He said no, but I said “ What do you know,” and got up and got some pizza. I took a detour on my way back to my table and instead sat at hers and we ended up in an hour or two long conversation. Her attitude toward me changed from when we first started talking… at first, she was really nice and polite hen started teasing me, claiming its what she does to people she thought she knew. I was really impressed with her…, but she’s a debater. Debaters are usually really pointed people(Which is why I chose to stay away from the people who came with me from school. They’re always talking politics, whether socialism is better than democracy, or if Kobe Bryant is better than The Rock. Serious stuff like that,)and I could tell she had really strong convictions. It was good thing though. Anyway,… maybe I am socially handicapped, but I was able to get over it enough to talk to ‘er, right? Anyway… back to why I left the cafeteria in the first place.
Whenever I sat in the cafeteria, I looked at the 2 or 3 hundred people there, and realized that there were about 300 lives being lived in that room, six hundred eyes and six hundred nostrils. I could’ve searched every face in that room and not have found the one I was looking for. To see those eyes, see the set of nostrils, see the face of the person who’d been on my mind all week, all month since the night I spent with ‘er on my birthday, I had to open my picture book and look at the first( and only in my eyes,) picture there. My 18th birthday… the majority of it, the night anyway, was spent with a friend who lives across town. We watched Tristan and Isolde, then went to a boba tea shop. I didn’t realize til the night as over that she had spent around ten bucks on me, buying me my movie ticket and then some food and I felt guilty. Anyway… I’m getting off topic. Socially handicapped. I’m not socially handicapped.
haha it's just a picture.
» Princess_00 on 2006-01-29 11:54:08
i know what you mean but its just a bunch of stupid details. not only would i look like some whiny baby, but reading all of it would depress me
» middaymoon on 2006-01-29 02:05:38
actually i think about shaving it off alot.
» Chloefoxx on 2006-01-29 02:31:45
thnx.
i like your style.
» DraGoNeaTSusHi on 2006-01-29 02:57:30
swisshh swasshh [[relaxing noise innit?]] I read it. But I have a question. How deep do your thoughts go? because reading this it seems like you swirl these thoughts over and over and see them for what they are. Like your thoughts are practical. Nothing wrong with that but they seem to be stirred and come up and thrown back in. Like unorganized. Not that it's bad, it's just your writing style.
As for that chick calling you socially handicapped. I don't know.. I think being socially handicapped can come in numerous varieties. It can either come in those who want to be someone's friend so much that they become clingy and scare people away (Which doesn't seem like your case). Or people who seem to be spiteful towards everyone they meet and hate any human contact. You seem more like you like your alone time which isn't a bad thing because you still interact with other human beings.
I'm going to make a post so come by to read it later
» Phoid_hearted on 2006-01-29 03:50:02
Yup... Yah....he's my boyfriend...my LOVER!!!
» Jinaiah on 2006-01-29 11:54:04
i find out that it's due tomorrow because the teachers are still grading a state exam...
when you mentioned the 300 people and 600 eyes and not finding the person you're looking for, it made me realize how small we really are compared to the whole population.
» Ajibalaji89 on 2006-01-30 01:52:30
Interesting narrative I read your narrative, because of your personal insight on your peculiar nuances.
God bless.
» Orikinla Osinachi (193.133.99.236) on 2006-01-30 02:35:05
adf it wasnt my fault i had to kill the freakin bug it was coming after me. i swear!
» your_in_safe_mode on 2006-02-02 03:43:13
Thanks Thanks for the comment. :] I like your background picture
» gRace on 2006-02-05 12:59:09
about your comment on my nutang what are you referring to?
» Phoid_hearted on 2006-02-05 11:49:38
I kinda said this already, but I'd like to have a live conversation with you (I'm quessing you want it to be live as a way to test exactly how much I know about it). But if you don't have MSN, just send me a note. (my hotmail address is on my site - so I can erase it if needed)
» DeeVeuS on 2006-02-07 03:50:08
hey wazzup. I was playing the Chronicles of Narnia! I saved Edmund and then I left for the weekend and my friend killed the White Witch without me! 0_o
» Zanzibar on 2006-02-08 03:13:46
Socially handicapped fits you perfectly, I can't believe I've never thought of it.
» Caitlin (205.188.116.10) on 2006-02-12 09:56:37
thankies hey. thanks 4 the comment..i enjoyed your blog too! ;) i wonder how you found my blog. blogxchange,is it?
» xxamirahxx (60.51.22.227) on 2006-02-15 03:11:12
I got your message. Thanks, it was touching.
» juiCyy on 2006-02-15 01:32:05
k I think a huge reason i haven't updated is because i dont know what to write anymore.
Anyway, you're a really good writer... Whether you intend to write your entries that way or not; it feels like i'm reading a part of "the perks of being a wallflower". That's a good thing though.
» redintersectsme on 2006-02-15 10:03:24
and so it is.... There is no ideal. We need a little bit of everything. And its the little bits, that truly make it all worthwhile!
» CONDESCENDme on 2006-02-20 12:41:30
hrm... smoking, yeah, that's bad. sex... ehhhhh, not so much.
» Chloefoxx on 2006-02-24 03:06:26
hey man thanks for that, i appreciate it :)
» nrtnSCorporate on 2006-03-16 05:47:13
quick thanks thanks for the words of hope you left commented on my last entry.. and i will take up your advice on adding those line breaks, cuz i did find my own entry hard to read myself after writing it. i like the way you write.
» danny (68.101.172.245) on 2006-03-18 11:31:03
lol.. yea... I guess that was kinda sickening.... wasn't it.. lol It got me real good the 1st time I tried it
» CPKviperpheonix on 2006-04-09 10:03:14
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